Punch Lines

Congratulations and welcome to this wacky world, Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon, from the editors and contributors of Laugh Lines:

* “It took a while for doctors to realize Madonna was in labor. They heard all that moaning but thought she was just shooting a new video.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “You could tell it was Madonna’s kid. After the doctor spanked her bottom, the baby said, ‘Oh, yes! Again! Again!’ ” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “After the doc spanked the baby, Mom said, ‘Hey, what about me?’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “The baby has already received so many gifts, doctors are calling her the Material Kid.” (Bob Mills)

* “Some people were confused when they heard that Madonna had a new ‘little bundle of joy.’ They thought she’d ordered a new toy from the Pleasure Chest.” (Pearlstein)

* “The attending physician was Dr. Paul Fleiss. Now he has something in common with his daughter, Heidi. They both deliver girls for famous clients.” (Joshua Sostrin)

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In the news: The presidential debate season concludes tonight in San Francisco . . . er, San Diego . . . er, whatever:

* “A sure sign that the debate will probably turn nasty: Moderator Jim Lehrer has been replaced by George Foreman.” (Mills)

* “Bob Dole plans to come out swinging. I got a peek at his opening line: ‘As the only non-draft-dodging, non-womanizing, non-corrupt, non-waffling, non-Jello-thighed candidate, I refuse to make character an issue.’ ” (Pearlstein)

* “He insisted, ‘I will not call that Bozo names.’ ” (Morty Wright)

On Wall Street, the Dow Jones Industrial Average topped 6,000 for the first time. Says Jenny Church, “It soared so high, the closing bell was a dog whistle. If the Dow goes even higher, the SEC says it won’t interfere--but the FAA might.”

A study shows that kids who eat heavily sugared cereal half an hour before school do better than those who eat it 2 1/2 hours before. Says Cutler, “Their test scores? They’re grrrrrrreat!”

JFK Jr. and his new wife signed a prenuptial agreement that gives her $1 million if the marriage lasts one year, more if it lasts longer. Says Johnny Robish, “If I were her, I’d pick what’s behind year No. 3.”

Gerald and Betty Ford celebrated their 48th wedding anniversary this week. Says Jerry Perisho, “Over at the Betty Ford Center, patients saluted them with a Night of a Thousand Stars.”

New box-office hit “The Ghost and the Darkness” is about some lions that go on a man-eating spree. Says Cutler, “It’s basically the same plot as ‘The First Wives Club.’ ”

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Reader Maria Lugo of Santa Barbara says her nephew’s 7-year-old daughter, Briana, was telling her father how young her new teacher is. “Is she about my age?” asked Dad, 32. Briana quickly replied:

“No, she’s only about 35.”