Punch Lines

The fat of the land: A new survey says that for the first time more than half of Americans are overweight:

* “It’s not because of a lack of health information. A lot of people have seen the light. Unfortunately, it was the one inside the refrigerator.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “A majority of them are in the same geographic region: in front of the TV.” (Alan Ray)

* “To determine if you weigh too much, calculate your Body Mass Index--using a complicated formula that takes as long to figure out as it takes to eat two bowls of buttered popcorn.” (Gary Easley)

Fitness munchkin Richard Simmons has announced plans to become a doctor. Says Bob Mills, “He says he’ll get his medical degree at Low-Cal State Northridge and serve his internship at the Fat-Free Mayo Clinic. But some skeptics suspect this is all just a ploy to promote his upcoming video, ‘Turning Your Head and Coughing to the Oldies.’ ”

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In the news: The last presidential debate is history:

* “Bob Dole was finally able to prove what he’s been saying all along: There’s nothing good on TV.” (Ray)

* “According to polls, the biggest disappointment during the debate was the massive electrical blackout--there wasn’t one.” (Mills)

* “As predicted, Dole went negative in a big way. But enough about his poll numbers.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “President Clinton vowed to protect children from drugs, alcohol and tobacco. There’s only one way to do that. We baby boomers must tell our kids that it worked for us, and count on them to rebel.” (Hamilton)

Researchers at UCLA say TV violence is down. Says Steve Voldseth, “At my house, we did it by giving everyone their own set.”

A Delta flight was grounded when a 490-pound gorilla, en route to the Seattle zoo, began making too much noise. Says Steve Tatham, “That’s because a 490-pound gorilla is supposed to be able to sit anywhere he wants to--and that’s not in cargo, that’s in first class.”

Kansas City, Mo., has a new floating casino. Says Jenny Church, “People can go there to gamble on the water--just like a vacation in Mexico!”

A London newspaper reports that Jerry Hall has retained Princess Di’s attorney to start divorce proceedings against Mick Jagger. Says Perisho, “The lawyer started by sending Mick a letter requesting that he move out of the couple’s residence. Actually, it read, ‘Hey! You! Get out of my house!’ ”

A new thriller called “Sleepers” opens today. Says Alex Pearlstein, “Hopefully, it will be better than the last three Hollywood films I’ve seen--’Yawners,’ ‘Wake Me When It’s Over’ and ‘My Eyelids.’ ”

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Reader Ann Marie Ferreira of Los Angeles says a pregnant cat showed up in her yard. She asked the boys playing on the lawn next door if they knew who owned it.

“It’s Becky’s,” said Wesley, 5.

Curtis, 6, pondered, “Maybe Bobby’s cat, Oscar, is the daddy.”

“No,” replied Bobby, 8. “He’s been groomed.”