Never Discount the Gen-X Factor

Downey’s California:

Do teenagers read the sports page?

I hope so, because hey, young people rule. They have taken over Planet Sports. Athletes in their teens, or barely out, have begun to dominate professional athletics, making me feel more and more like an old . . . uh, fossil.

Go watch a World Series game and the hero is Andruw Jones, all of 19. Go watch an NBA game and see Kobe Bryant, who just turned 18, driving on Kevin Garnett, freshly 20. Go see a golf tournament and the winner is Tiger Woods, a green giant at 20.

I have shoes older than these guys. And the women, well, some are barely old enough to work at McDonald’s. Watch a tennis tournament and the winner is Martina Hingis, 16. World figure skating champion: Michelle Kwan, 16. Olympic gymnast with a biography of her long and eventful life: Dominique Moceanu, 14.

What would a biographer possibly ask Dominique? “Color any good books lately?”

I spend so much time writing about kids, I feel like Dr. Spock. Half the stories on the sports page are about athletes who don’t shave. The only younger newsmaker getting this much ink is Madonna’s baby. I really feel sorry for that kid, not knowing whether to think of Rodman as “Uncle Dennis” or “Aunt Dennis.”

Young people used to learn the alphabet from Bert and Ernie. Now they learn it from Keith Olbermann and Dan Patrick. Here at the paper, we are thinking of changing this section’s name to Sports R Us. You know those ads in the back, the ones for hair transplants? We need some new ones for zit cream.

I love today’s athlete. He can play for the Lakers, but Mom and Dad want him home in bed by 11.

Kobe Bryant probably refers to Shaquille O’Neal as “Gramps.” I can hear O’Neal now, telling Bryant about the old days, like 1995. On the road, maybe Shaq can read him a bedtime story. At his age, Kobe should be one of those kids running out onto the court with a towel, to mop up the sweat.

Or how about that Andruw Jones, hitting homers in Yankee Stadium at his age? Andruw is so young, he thinks Yogi Berra is a cartoon. He thinks Whitey Ford is a car dealer. He thinks that movie “Pride of the Yankees” was about Don Mattingly. He thinks Miller Huggins is a beer. He thinks Thurman Munson is that Frankenstein character played by Fred Gwynne.

Tiger Woods is too much. This guy has already won a couple of PGA tournaments, and he’s younger than his caddie. I can’t believe how good Tiger is. He’s the only guy on the tour who has never seen a golf club made of wood. Tiger’s so young, he thinks knickers are New York basketball players. He probably will have his own line of golf pants, with the knees torn out.

I am proposing to my editor a feature called “Where Are They Now?” about washed-up athletes still in their mid-20s. They can reflect back on an era when some unfortunate athletes had to squeak by on seven figures a year.

We could start with Gabriela Sabatini, who will retire this week from the rigors of pro tennis. Don’t worry about poor Gaby. She will be eligible for Social Security in 39 or 40 years. It’s time to leave tennis to the younger players like Hingis, who probably thinks Pam Shriver is that woman married to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A news release also came across my desk Tuesday about a Long Beach pro hockey team that just signed a Robert Dome, 17, reportedly the youngest pro hockey player in North America. Unless I miss my guess, Robert is the only hockey player in North America who not only has all his teeth, but wears a retainer.

The average age of athletes seems to be getting younger and younger, except in boxing, where the average age is, as you know, 46.

Personally, I am happy to be writing about the Next Generation, although my fear is that instead of reading me, they are all out playing Mortal Kombat. I could write to them directly on the information highway, if I knew where the information highway was. I don’t have my own web site. I’m lucky to have my own pen.

If athletes keep getting younger, sport as we know it could change. A senior tour could start for golfers over 30. “Monday Night Football” might be moved up to 4 p.m., so the players can get home in time to finish their homework.

Just think, if Andruw Jones plays ball for 15 seasons, then waits the mandatory five years for the Hall of Fame, he can be inducted . . . when he’s 39. His bust will be the first one at Cooperstown wearing an earring.