Hey, buddy, can you beam me up...

Hey, buddy, can you beam me up a little spare change?

In a coming two-part episode of UPN’s “Star Trek: Voyager,” the Starfleet ship is “pulled into a spatial rift” and goes back 400 years in time to land on Earth in 1996.

The crew is drawn by a radio signal that is traced to a mysterious street person--in Venice, Calif., of all places.

The visitors don civvies to blend in, but once they view the bizarre cast of characters on the Boardwalk, crew member Tuvok notes:

“We could have worn our Starfleet uniforms. I doubt if anyone would have noticed.”

L.A.’S LAST SWIM: No movie or TV show is complete these days without a reference to Southern California falling into the sea. In the same episode of “Star Trek: Voyager,” Capt. Janeway, the Starfleet commander, looks back from the 24th century with this recollection of L.A.:

“After the Hermosa quake in 2047, this entire region sank under 20 meters of water. It became one of the world’s largest coral reefs, home to thousands of different marine species.”

Just when the Coliseum’s press box was nearly renovated.

TOM HANKS MUST FEEL HONORED: Randy Epstein of Westlake Village snapped a shot that illustrates how the magic of Hollywood even permeates the hauling and cleanup business (see photo). We’re not sure whether the proprietor meant to say no job is “too shrimpy” or whether his name is Shrimpi.

FICTIONAL LAST WORDS: In our last session, we published a list of some actual tombstone inscriptions of departed celebrities to get you into the Halloween spirit. Now, we’re following that up with make-believe epitaphs that some notables selected for themselves earlier this century in a Vanity Fair article:

* “Over my dead body” (playwright George Kaufman).

* “Here Lies/ Michael Arlen/ As Usual” (writer Michael Arlen).

* “Excuse my dust!” (writer Dorothy Parker).

And, the most famous of the inscriptions:

* “Here lies/W.C. Fields/I’d rather be living in Philadelphia.”

In real life, or should we say, real death, Fields was buried at Forest Lawn in Glendale without an epitaph.

CHANGE LANES AND DANCE: A Southland musician has written “Whoever You Are,” a song that contains the following lyrics:

All I want to do is thank you/ Even though I don’t know who you are.

You let me change lanes/ While I was driving in my car.

Yes, Tommy Jordan of the group, Geggy Tah, is from Pomona. But he told Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle that the tender song was inspired by an incident in San Jose when Jordan was actually allowed to move into another driver’s lane. You didn’t think something like that could happen in Southern California, did you? Perhaps the day a 24th-century spaceship lands here.

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He’s in his second season in Oakland but Raiders owner Al Davis believes L.A. fans still want to see his team, judging from the ads on some L.A. taxis (see photo). We’d recommend a plane, train or private car for the trip, though. At $1.60 a mile, an L.A. taxi would charge about $1,300 for a round trip for one to Oakland (plus the $200 or so tip). Then again, your gesture would warm Al’s heart.