It’s Politics as Unusual on the Internet

In real life, if this year’s presidential race could be bottled, it might very well cure world insomnia.

On the Internet, things are a bit more interesting.

In computer land, Democrat Bill Clinton, Republican Bob Dole, Reformer Ross Perot and Green Party guy Ralph Nader must tangle with such Oval Office aspirants as Fidel Castro, Kermit the Frog, the Unabomber, actor David Hasselhoff, Bullwinkle sidekick Rocket J. Squirrel and a goat-sucking chupacabra whose running mate is retired sitcom star Alf.

There are also home pages devoted to Hillary Clinton’s hairdos, the president’s secret rendezvous with a space alien and the number of Republicans it takes to screw in a light bulb.

(Answer: 462. Twelve to investigate Clinton’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry, 53 to design a block grant so that states can change the bulb, 41 to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead. . . .)

Among the serious, “official” home pages, Dole’s (www.dole96.com) seems the least conventional. In addition to the standard policy statements, biographies, volunteer opportunities and news updates found at other candidate sites, it features a crossword puzzle (4 across: name Bob Dole’s dog), trivia quiz and the chance to create your own posters and buttons.

It also will calculate how much you’ll save under the former senator’s 15% tax-cut plan.

Clinton and Al Gore can be visited not only at their online campaign headquarters (www.cg96.org), but also at a cyber White House (www2.whitehouse.gov/). The campaign site allows users to print out sign-language bumper stickers, hear a message from the vice president and tune into the “Clinton-Gore Channel” for video clips.

The electronic White House lets visitors tour the building and send e-mail to the president, vice president and first lady.

Nader’s unofficial page (www.rahul.net) links up with a site that provides absentee ballot forms for any state. And Perot’s (www.perot.org) offers everything from press releases to downloadable Reform Party logos.

For a less partisan look at the election, Internet explorers can sign onto Politics Now (www.politicsnow.com), which includes an intriguing “time capsule” that follows Clinton and Dole through such events as the JFK assassination and ‘60s civil rights movement--and compares their stands on such issues.

Or they can drop in at Project Vote Smart (www.vote-smart.org/) for straightforward biographies, campaign finance information and other details on the major contenders.

Fortunately, these legitimate sites are vastly outnumbered by weird, entertaining and scandalous ones:

* Skeleton Closet: “All the dirt on all the candidates, because character does matter.” This anti-everyone home page, which quotes various media reports to back up its charges of sleaze and scandal, was launched by a group of Oregon friends who “were fed up with politics . . . and decided to do something besides bitch and drink, like everybody else does.” Internet address: www.realchange.org/

* Bob Dole Throughout Time and Space: Photographic proof that the GOP nominee may be lying about his background. Among the clues, a picture of Ulysses S. Grant and Robert E. Lee ending the Civil War with a very familiar-looking bystander nearby. Go to www.bvu.edu/students/harderrj/dole.

* Hillary’s Hair: According to this home page, the first lady has had “about 320 different hairstyles” since her husband was elected in 1992. Browsers with properly equipped computers can survey the chameleon-like ‘dos by clicking their mouses on “Hillary Vision” at hillaryshair.com/slideshow

* The Cuban Alternative: Promotes Communist holdout Fidel Castro as “the ultimate Washington outsider.” Includes a photo gallery, T-shirt sales, discussion group (alt.smokers.cigars) and hilarious escape button. Click on “Yow, this is frightening! Send me back to the bosom of the bourgeois elite” and you are immediately transferred to the home page of the Harvard Business School. www.imagesmith.com/

* The UFO lobby: An online rip-off of the wacky Weekly World News’ alien-endorses-Clinton photo. www.links.net/pix/Clinton&friend.;

* Unabomber Political Action Committee: One of the scarier sites, in that it praises the Unabomber’s anti-technology manifesto. Which brings up the question: Then why are the idiots behind it on the Internet?

* Pat Paulsen: The perennial comedian candidate pushes his ’96 bid with stands on everything from health care (“I don’t think we need to care for healthy people”) to the national debt (“Let the kids pay it--they still owe us rent and gas money”). www.amdest.com/Pat/

Other cyber sites endorse humor columnist Dave Barry (who favors laws that would require elevator music to be played by live bands), an alien named Slork (who pledges to vaporize the deficit), actor Hasselhoff (for the German vote), David Letterman, Fig Bar Man and the Chupacabra-Alf ticket.

Finally, for the thoroughly confused or apathetic, there is one other electronic candidacy: www.netvideo.com transports you to a site called . . . “Nobody for President.”