Punch Lines

Boo to you too: Here are some spooky jokes just for kids from Shari Lewis, whose Halloween special will air at 8 a.m. Thursday on PBS:

Q: What does a monster call a girl who has three heads, nine eyes and six arms?

A: Cute!

Q: How can you make a witch itch?

A: Take away her W.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

A: It didn’t have the guts.

Q: Why did the ghost starch her sheet?

A: She wanted everybody to be scared stiff.

Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

A: Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

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In the news: President Clinton won a mock election held on the Nickelodeon cable network. Says Rudolph J. Cecera, “Of course, Bob Dole won on the History Channel and Ross Perot on Comedy Central.”

After swiping its “just don’t do it” anti-drug slogan from Nike, the Dole campaign is borrowing again, says Jenny Church, this time from the pork industry: “Bob Dole--the other white male.”

First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton rode Disney’s Tower of Terror, a 13-story free-fall drop. Says Argus Hamilton, “She said it’s nothing compared to Washington. She’s faced grand juries that required her to drop a lot more stories than that.”

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia declared that Americans do not have a constitutional right to die. Says Bob Mills, “Obviously, he’s never watched a sketch on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ ”

The new Stephen King film features a lawyer and is titled “Thinner.” Says Steve Voldseth, “It’s based on a Reader’s Digest story: ‘I Am O.J.’s Wallet.’ ”

Oprah Winfrey is the highest-paid entertainer in the country. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “Oprah says she keeps her trim figure by snacking on dollar bills and staying away from the hundreds.”

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Gone today, hair tomorrow: Researchers say male baldness may be caused by the presence of a female hormone:

* “Specifically, the presence of estrogen in the bald men’s wives, girlfriends, mothers and daughters.” (Joshua Sostrin)

* “This has gotta be some sort of cruel revenge for that whole ‘lip waxing’ thing.” (Alex Pearlstein)

In the tests, lab mice grew hair when their shaved skin was treated with an estrogen blocker:

* “Minnie can’t believe Mickey’s new chest hair.” (Paul Ecker)

* “Boy, the mouse hair-replacement-system industry is in real trouble now.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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Burbank reader Susan Loveira’s son Alejandro, 5, and daughter Paulina, 3, were examining a package of peas and carrots Mom had taken from the freezer. They began to discuss their favorite vegetables, and which veggies their parents prefer. Said Paulina:

“I like peas and carrots--but Mommy always says she likes peas and quiet.”