Top signs you may have a bad...

Top signs you may have a bad turkey, according to Steve Voldseth:

* You had to cross two lanes of traffic to get it.

* One turkey; three drumsticks.

* The yams demand their own roasting pan.

* The cooking instructions recommend you first cover yourself with foil.

* It’s still wearing a tag that says “Do not resuscitate.”

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In the news: Rains have been so heavy in the Northwest, says Alan Ray, “The state flower of Oregon is now kelp.”

On Interstate 5 in Oregon, a giant sinkhole opened up last week. Says Jenny Church, “Proud MTA officials attended the ribbon-cutting.”

The space shuttle Columbia has a 61-year-old astronaut aboard. Says Ray, “Some of his stories are starting to annoy the younger crew members. Like, ‘When I was your age, we had to mix our own Tang.’ ”

Wonders Angie Papadakis, “If those accused of sexual harassment in the military are spared prison sentences, will the headline read ‘No Time for Sergeants’?”

The emergency room at UCLA-Olive View Medical Center bent the rules to treat a baby chimpanzee brought in by movie makers. Says Stan Kaplan, “At first glance, they thought they were dealing with a Rogaine overdose.”

The mysterious fire in the “Chunnel” across the English Channel is being investigated as arson. Says Mills, “Several witnesses spotted Queen Elizabeth pouring gasoline on a stack of Fergie’s tell-all books.”

David Copperfield and Disney are planning a chain of magic-themed restaurants. Says Voldseth, “Why? If I want to see fire-breathing chefs, disappearing waitresses and spoon-bending, I’ll go to Denny’s.”

Several foreign countries are issuing Sylvester Stallone “Rocky” postage stamps. Says Buddy Baron, “Sly’s ex-wife said she couldn’t get them to stick. Of course, she was spitting on the wrong side.”

Says Rudolph Cecera, “The Artist Formerly Known as Prince was recently interviewed by the Talk-Show Host Who Formerly Weighed 200 Pounds.”

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Dinosaur desperado: Police in Missouri are looking for a home robber who wore a Barney costume:

* “I rob you, you rob me, together it’s a felony. . . .” (Cutler)

* “One victim told police, ‘Unfortunately, my children love Barney so much they helped him load up his van.’ ” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

* “The good news? Police have orders to shoot Barneys on sight.” (Cutler)

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Reader Gabrielle Sexton of Santa Monica says her nephew Kieran, 4, was visiting from England. He met Sexton’s fiance, John, who has a rather distinct bald spot. Young Kieran earnestly asked:

“Uncle John, why do you have your hair cut with a hole in the top?”