‘Tis a Fine Night for Gloom

“Whew! Can we put away the beads now? Is it safe to look?”

--Muldoon the Barkeep as USC drove to overtime touchdown

“Cover your eyes, man, it’s a horror. There’s no holding them.”

--Clarendon the Street Sweeper as USC scored the winner

“Us again, huh, Lord? OK, own up. Who’s the wise guy who missed Mass this very morning?”

--Madigan the Theologian

“Usen’t we to beat these people? Heathens, the lot of them!”

--Cassidy the Streetcar Conductor

“Not always. I mean, they had Cotton Warburton and all.”

--The Connemara Kid

“John Wayne, they had John Wayne!”

--McGriff the Movie Buff

“It was Anthony Davis who killed us. Look it up. Scored the 12 touchdowns in one game.”

--Harrison the Historian

“Well, it’s not Anthony Davis this day. It’s a spalpeen named Washington. Named after the father of our country!”

--Carroll the Clothier

“Well, tis only a game, after all. Can’t we have a tune anyway? Something to fit the occasion--’If you’re Irish, come into the parlor?’ ”

--Kelly the tenor who came to sing

“Nobody feels like singing this night. Put away the harps and lock the doors. Put the cat out and go to bed. We’ll deal with it in the morning.”

--Kerrigan the Realist

“John McCormick himself wouldn’t feel like singing this day.”

--Pug Mahon the Convicted Felon

“Somebody should swing for this! Tis the blackest day since Cromwell!”

--Patrick Pierce the Vindictive

“We’re losing our coach. ‘Tis his last game. What’s his name again? Hertz?”

--O’Connell the Trash Collector

“Holtz, his name is Holtz.”

--Cassidy the Criminal Lawyer

“Something heathen, I knew. He’s taken to losing to Air Force and Northwestern.”

--O’Connell, again

“Rockne never lost to Northwestern.”

--Quinn the Statistician

“Well, now, Rockne had Gipp and the Four Harsemen and all--or have ye forgot?”

--McGonigle the Debater

“Gipp became President.”

--Clancy the Echo

“He did not, ye great ninny! ‘Twas Ronald Reagan the actor who became President. It wasn’t Gipp, a’tall. It was the man who played him in the fillums!”

--Horan the Nitpicker

“A technicality.”

--Clancy the Echo

“Calvin Coolidge was our greatest president and I can prove it. Were things ever so good since? Ask yourself.”

--Woods the Historian

“Gipp once drop-kicked the ball 80 yards.”

--Cornell the Pants Presser

“Ninety, it was 90.”

--Higgins the Contradictor

“Against the wind.”

--Clancy the Echo

“Never mind all that. How’d we get in position to lose this game? Sure, we had it won the four times!”

--McGill the Schoolteacher

“Turned it into trench warfare, they did! Took a team which won its last four games, 54-27, 48-21, 60-6, and 62-0 and slogged it out. They forgot about the forward pass.”

--Flynn the Analyst

“Rockne invented the forward pass!”

--Clancy the Echo

“Why didn’t they call on Gipp?”

--McCready the Psychic

“Gipp’s dead.”

--Lonergan the Head Waiter

“Gipp won 12 games posthumously--and one tie. He beat Army seven times after he died. He was the original Galloping Ghost.”

--McCready from the other world

“Did anybody think to bring a flask and a drop o’the creature?”

--O’Grady the Thirsty

“Nobody feels like drinking. Take the pledge this night.”

--McPhee the Moralist

“What is it they call this team of blatherskites? The Tartans?”

--Flanagan the Funeral Director

“The Trojans, they call themselves the Trojans.”

--Woods the Historian

“I knew it was some kind of heathen calling. Oh, the embarrassment of it!”

--Fagan the Window Washer

“Can we get somebody with a mouth organ to give us the key to ‘Danny Boy’?”

--Kelly the Irish Tenor

“We’ll be here all night. There’s 119 verses to it each one gloomier than the last.”

--Corrigan the Professional

Parade Rainer-On

“Well, ‘tis a fine night for gloom. What was the score out there anyway?”

--Owens the Non-Singer

“What’s the difference?! It might as well be 100-0. What difference does the degree make?”

--Bundoran the Bean Counter

“Rockne used to beat these people, 27-0. You could look it up.”

--Clark the Tax Collector

“Rockne would have become President. If Gipp hadn’t.”

--Clancy the Echo