A Critic’s Holiday Toy Guide (Battery Included)

Tweaks “r” us.

It’s that time of year and, as always, this column is where the holiday magic begins. Months have gone into the planning of this season’s catalog, with special attention given to TV-related toys and items that promote intellectual growth, sensitize youngsters to their environment and illuminate them about the world in which they live. Accordingly, here are some great gift ideas for the children at your house:

* Baby Larry Snoozums and Papa Ross. Destined to become a classic, this new tandem features remote-control Larry King and floppy-eared Ross Perot look-alike dolls in a realistic “Larry King Live” setting. Using a joystick, your child can wiggle Papa Ross’ ears and decide when to have adorable Baby Larry Snoozums climb across the interview desk, sit on Papa Ross’ lap and coo.

The diaper and pacifier are optional, as is an extra control that allows Papa Ross to tickle and burp Baby Larry Snoozums. Also available: the Baby Larry Snoozums Grows Up playset, with Baby Larry making goo-goo eyes at fun guest Fergie.

* Peek-A-Boo Ellen, AC/DC. Is she straight, gay or bi? Your child will determine this sitcom-inspired doll’s sexual orientation based on a set of educational clues contained in a miniature closet, making this one of the smartest, most challenging toys of the season. Comes with Peek-A-Boo Ellen’s sensible dress-up wardrobe and her two huggable friends, Big Bertha and Betty Butch.

* X-Rated Scully and Mulder. Sophisticated toy for older children. Two battery-operated, 12-inch talking dolls based on FBI agents from Fox’s popular series “The X-Files,” with dominatrix Scully dolled up in spike heels, miniskirt and garter belt while applying her hairbrush to a moaning Mulder doll in handcuffs. Promotes good humor.

* Radio Control Mighty Dump Truck with Action Figures Mr. Media Meat Head and Mr. Suspect Potato Head. Relating to the bombing in Atlanta’s Centennial Olympic Park, this instructional playset promotes motor skills and encourages young children to experiment with picking up different tactile materials. Has two speeds, with tilt-back dump bed.

Watch your tyke install realistic, wild-eyed Mr. Media Meat Head in the cab, then pull the lever and dump a load of rocks and sand on unsuspecting Mr. Suspect Potato Head, a hapless Play-Doh figure who is easily crushed. In addition, tire treads will be visible on rotund Mr. Suspect Potato Head when he is run over by Mighty Dump Truck with a third figure, Mr. Fed Head, in the cab. Your child will enjoy finishing off Mr. Suspect Potato Head by picking him up with an optional remote-control crane and depositing him into an optional remote-control pulverizer.

Comes with a year’s supply of replacement Mr. Suspect Potato Heads and discount coupon for the purchase of a related playset featuring Mr. Lawyer Head, who represents Mr. Suspect Potato Head in defamation suit against Mr. Media Meat Head. For a few dollars more, also get a Mr. Suspect Potato Head punching bag and accompanying video game, “Centennial Olympic Park: Rampage Edition.”

* Fun Freeways with O.J. and A.C. Here’s a great playset that you can enjoy with your children. Controllers, a powerpack and ultra-cool miniature white Ford Bronco with two speeds enable the entire family to experience the famous low-speed chase of O.J. Simpson and his friend, Al Cowlings, across a mico-version of the actual Los Angeles roadways traveled by this famous pair. Realistic O.J. and A.C. mini-figures enhance the reality, as does a fleet of remote-control squad cars that will trail the Bronco at a distance determined by you.

Sold at a discount when purchased with the following companion item.

* O.J.’s Dream House. Comes with dozens of accessory pieces, including a remote-control, talking O.J. action figure, miniature O.J. entourage and radio control media chopper with Capt. Minicam at the helm. When Capt. Minicam buzzes the Dream House, O.J. runs outside and angrily shakes his fist at the skies.

* Toothy Teddy. From the Fox Broadcasting collection, and don’t let the cuddly plush fool you. This unique, computerized Teddy Bear is programmed to attack and disembowel your child’s helpless other toys, and is especially attracted to the smell of Baby Wiggles ‘n Giggles, Barbie and the Nanny Doll.

The good news is that the set also includes Toothy Teddy’s nemesis, remote-control Tom Trigger, a deadeye marksman who doesn’t miss once he gets Toothy Teddy in the sights of his pop gun. A special feature is Toothy Teddy’s head, which is attached only by Velcro and is as easily ripped off as shot off, making this delightful toy a wise buy for parents hoping to improve their children’s hand-eye coordination.

* Talking Barney with Screaming Dick Vitale and Ranting Dennis Miller. America’s loquacious all-time favorite dinosaur has two even blabbier new pals that are plushy replicas of basketball commentator Vitale and comedian Miller. Wind them up and they deliver special messages just for your children.

Screaming Dick: “Hey, babeee! I’m not a diaper dandy, babeee! I want some P.T., babeee!” Ranting Dennis: “Hey, kids, does anybody remember when the famous fat man was Churchill, not some huge inbred Jabba the Hut bodyguard who thinks he’s a spy? You know, kids, Shawn Eckhardt’s head is emptier than an Oktoberfest in downtown Miami. You know, kids, when I look up at our cultural Mount Rushmore, I feel like Phil Collins watching Ann Reinking sing ‘Against All Odds’ at the Oscars.” Companion screaming/ranting Barney answering machine also available. Batteries included.

* Twisted Talk. An exciting new video game starring Ms. Jenny and her friends Sally Juicy and Mr. Jerry, with special guests Vectorman, Pac-Man and Spiderman. The creative combat has Pac-Man aggressively seeking to gobble up Ms. Jenny, Sally Juicy and Mr. Jerry before they reveal that Spiderman has a secret crush on Vectorman. Sold in conjunction with Disney’s new animated storybook “101 Dumb Talk Shows.”