Stocking Stuffers for the Naughty

When the final gift’s been opened

And there’s eggnog in each cup,

When the last wassail’s been wassailed

Then it’s time to settle up.

Out with all this fellow feeling:

Let the list of misdeeds roll.

Hand out Santa Claus’ comeuppance--

Give these noodgeslumps of coal.

*

First to those folks parked to go off

Shopping or for haute cuisine

With unlawful handicapped signs

On Benzes and limousines.

Powerful and busy people,

Rich, important beyond quarrel,

Crippled, yes, beyond debating--

But their handicap is moral.

*

And while we’re giving anthracite

For privileges that shouldn’t be

The high and mighty can enroll

(However low their SAT)

At UCLA, where we’ve seen

That pulling strings has proven true:

It’s who you know, not what you know,

That gets you into gold and blue.

*

We’d like to hand out coal to those

Who made the freeways a perdition,

Scaring us by smashing windows--

But coal makes handy ammunition.

*

The chairman of the Board of Supes

Gave himself a monthlong thrill,

Briefly held the title “mayor,”

Can you guess who paid the bill

When he altered signs and contracts

Remade papers, cards and faxes

To announce his new position?

Surprise. We payers of the taxes.

He said it was for understanding

‘Round the world, for countries now

Only have a word for “mayor.”

Must be news to Chairman Mao.

*

Coal for the Air Force au revoir

Of B-1 Bob’s last training flight,

One last mission, one last run,

For hypersonic “Mr. Right.”

It cost $4 Gs, that farewell trip

Aboard that supersonic crate.

Ten years too soon, or, others say,

It came a century too late.

*

Rights for animals were trampled

(So declares the group called PETA)

With the lust for furs rekindled

By the fashions from “Evita.”

And on the furry critters topic--

Coal to those who scurried ‘round

To buy a chic Dalmatian pup

And later, dump it at the pound.

Another lump to those among you

Who wanted holidays made cuter

With a cat or doggy friend

You now neglect to spay or neuter.

*

So many others, all quite worthy,

So many who deserve the plugs--

The assemblyman who asked his hearing

Witnesses “Are you on drugs?”

Assembly rep from San Fernando who proposed, in solomonic

Precedent, to split the Valley

From L.A. She lost. Ironic.

The head of our convention center,

Had a moonlight job to build

Just such a center in Hawaii.

The mayor? Understandably, not thrilled.

The sheriff’s department bakery

(This while our jails are in the red)

Costs near a million bucks a year--

Now that is quite a lot of bread.

There’s Kato’s hair, subdued these days,

Unlike his memory, recovered.

There’s life on Mars--if it’s like the film,

Then let it stay there, undiscovered.

Al Davis doesn’t need a lump

Of coal; he’s got a team that even

Oakland can’t sell out. So Al:

Have any second thoughts on leavin’?

To Barbie, just on principle,

For all your years as fashion doormat,

Gardening in high-heeled shoes and

Making normal girls feel so fat.

*

With $90 million, Michael Ovitz

Can buy his own coal by the ton

And then gold-plate it lump by lump,

And burn some greenbacks just for fun.

*

What? Overlook the MTA?

And all its fractious, titled elves?

Perish the thought. The difference is

The coal they get, they dug themselves.