Mother and Child Occasion : Holocaust Survivor Gets Dual Bat Mitzvah With Cantor Daughter

Hilda Kalir grew up in Germany but managed to leave in 1939, not long after Kristallnacht, “the night of broken glass” that marked the beginning of Adolf Hitler’s reign of terror against the Jews.

To be sure, Kalir missed out on raising her family and growing old in her hometown of Hamborn on the Rhine River. But she and her husband were among the fortunate--because they survived.

They fled first to Jerusalem, where Kalir gave birth to their only child. Later, they moved to Sweden, then to Orange County.

And it was here this month that Kalir, now 83, shared an “indescribable” experience with her daughter, Shula Kalir-Merton, 54--the two women celebrated bat mitzvahs together.

As with the more common bar mitzvah, the rite of passage ceremony for male Jews, the bat mitzvah is normally celebrated by Jewish girls at age 13. But these days it is not unusual for men, in particular, to undergo the ceremony later in life, often at the same time as their sons.

It is still far from ordinary, however, to see a mother-and-daughter ceremony. And to have both women be far beyond their first teen year . . . well, it had never happened before at Temple Beth El. Making the event more unusual was the fact that Kalir’s daughter is the cantor at the 500-family temple, which was filled to capacity for the occasion.

*

Rabbi Allen Krause called it a life-affirming moment in the history of the 15-year-old temple Reform in south Orange County, one given added poignancy by Hilda Kalir’s status as a Holocaust survivor.

“Her daughter is now training the next generation of Jewish children, preparing them for their bar and bat mitzvah,” the rabbi noted. “And her grandson is teaching in a religious program. Because Hilda escaped, two more generations are passing on our teachings. What better way to celebrate. . . .”

In Kalir’s own words, it was “out of this world! At my age, it was unbelievable. But I have to confess, I was a little bit nervous, having to read and sing all that Hebrew.”

That she did it with zest hardly surprised those who know her. For instead of feeling anger and regret at her difficult early years, Kalir long ago decided to grab life and hold on with passion.

The quality is evident in her lilting soprano, which graces the choir of the Jewish retirement home in Mission Viejo where she lives, and in her dozens of vivid paintings. In recent years, she took up interpretive dance, as well.

Kalir said she feels “deeply” blessed and extends prayers of thanks every night. She also believes it’s never ever too late to try something new. To live life any other way, she says, is just foolish, an invitation to mishegoss.

“You know,” she scowled. “Craziness.”

So with daughter’s arm locked in mother’s and both sharing songs and prayers in Hebrew, the two women celebrated their heritage together by leading the temple through its Shabbos service.

Until recently, the bat mitzvah was nowhere near as common as the bar mitzvah, which Jewish males have celebrated at age 13 for centuries. Even now, the bat mitzvah is acknowledged only in Conservative and Reform congregations.

Orthodox congregations do not allow female rabbis or cantors and seat men and women separately. Orthodox rabbis say women hold a treasured place in the congregation--but not leading the service.

That’s what Kalir and her daughter were doing on a recent Saturday, reading from the Torah and the Haftarah, selected works from prophetic books of the Bible at the synagogue where the younger woman’s Streisand-like voice has filled the room on Friday nights and Saturday mornings since 1987.

It was Kalir-Merton’s idea that she and her mother share the bat mitzvah. Her mother’s age, 83, is when Jewish tradition provides for an optional second bar or bat mitzvah.

The theory, Kalir-Merton noted, is “that 70 is pretty much the age allocated to people. In other words, it’s the age we have the right to expect from God. Anything beyond that is a gift.”

Despite being a cantor for almost a decade and a teacher of Jewish studies even longer, Kalir-Merton had never celebrated her own bat mitzvah.

“Like many Jewish girls, I became a regularly counted member of the [Jewish] community at age 13, but I hadn’t had a ceremony and hadn’t gone up to [read] the Torah,” she said. “And I thought, ‘What a memorable event for us to do together. We’ll remember it for a lifetime.’ ”

Rabbi Doug Doniel Slotnick of Congregation Beth David in San Luis Obispo, former coordinator of the Introduction to Judaism course for the Union of American Hebrew Congregations, said he has seen an increase in bar and bat mitzvahs among middle-aged to elderly Jews.

“I definitely see it as a trend,” Slotnick said. “I think Jewish adults are recognizing that the ceremony of the bar and bat mitzvah is not simply for 13-year-olds but is, in fact, a celebration of Jewish maturity. Although technically it can happen at age 13, it needs to be celebrated throughout one’s life.”

That is especially true in the ‘90s, he said, “with so many marriages occurring later in life and people having children later in life. It’s very appropriate to make it a celebration for the entire family.”

For Kalir and her daughter, the joint ceremony was “a statement,” Rabbi Krause said, “just as it is for a 13-year-old--that they’re capable of conducting a normal Shabbos service all by themselves.”

For Kalir-Merton, it was also the deepening of a bond with her mother, “and a way to say thank-you to our heritage, which has been the source of so much support and pride.”

But Kalir said that, for her, another special part was remembering both the good times and the bad, the people she lost as well as those with whom she spent a lifetime.

“I am so very thankful,” she said, her face framed by her paintings of a Yemenite bride and Hasidic men gesturing wildly in conversation. “For a long time each night, I look up to the ceiling and thank God I’m still alive, that I live in such a beautiful environment, that I have my child and grandson. I thank God every night for each new day that I see.”