Punch Lines

The Political Scene: The 1997 inaugural committee gave merchandising rights to the QVC shopping channel. Says Argus Hamilton, “You can buy commemorative White House mugs, White House china and White House pins. President comes separately.”

* “A reminder: If you are calling from Asia, the call is toll-free.” (The Daily Scoop)

After Newt Gingrich was reelected House speaker, Democrat David Bonior said, “There is a huge black cloud over the House and it’s getting darker.”

“Then Gingrich moved out from in front of the TV lights and everything was OK.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “Gingrich wasn’t humble for long,” Hamilton says. “When insurance companies declared the California flooding an act of God, Newt denied everything.”

The Trial Goes On: An LAPD criminalist testified that the glove photographed at the murder scene may not be the glove in evidence at O.J. Simpson’s criminal trial. “To clear up the mystery, investigators are looking for a tamperer named Lefty,” says Stan Kaplan.

* In an amazing turn of events in the O.J. Simpson case, defense experts believe they now may have uncovered a rare, never-before-seen photograph of Simpson not wearing Bruno Magli shoes.” (Jay Leno)

* Kato Kaelin testified again. “Then he asked if he could crash in the jury room for a few days.” (Daily Scoop)

In the News: Bob Denver (Gilligan) is scheduled to have a radio talk show. “Guests will come to the studio, interact with him and then leave while he has to stay there day after day. Now that’s a career change.” (Gary Easley)

A Northwestern University engineering professor used the school’s Web site to claim that the Holocaust didn’t happen. “In another area of the site, a Northwestern history professor claims the computer was never invented.” (Daily Scoop)

The French Tourism Board has started a new ad campaign, “I Love France,” to promote visitors. “They’d better be careful,” says Bill Williams. “New York did that and they got Howard Stern.”

Delta Airlines will cut 600 to 800 jobs. “Company executives don’t like the cold, impersonal nature of massive layoffs,” says Alan Ray, “so they’ve turned over that duty to ticket agents.”

The Toronto Blue Jays offered 16-year-old Juan Bernhardt a $1-million contract this week. “Bernhardt says he’ll sign the deal only if it doesn’t interfere with his paper route.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

“What is happening to professional sports in this town?” asks Leno. “I read where the owner of the L.A. Dodgers has the team up for sale. Then Wednesday morning when I’m looking through the Pennysaver, I see the Clippers are for sale.”

*

Reader Mae Freedman of Anaheim was offering alternatives to watching videos to her granddaughter, Alyssa. She remarked that they didn’t have videos or VCRs when Alyssa’s mother was growing up. To which the 5-year-old replied:

“Why? Were you poor?”