Punch Lines

Aftermath: “The O. J. Simpson jury will now decide how much in punitive damages to award,” says Alex Kaseberg. “Punitive is a legal term meaning even more money that nobody is going to get.”

* “The first casting coup of the inevitable O. J. movie has been locked. Signed to portray the person who held up the ‘Y’ card was Vanna White.” (Michael X. Ferraro)

* “The lawyers are under a temporary gag order,” says Jay Leno. “See, personally, I am against temporary gag orders. They should be permanent gag orders so we never have to hear from these people ever again.”

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More In the News: An Ocala, Fla., 5-year-old was suspended from school for carrying a nail file. “In a related story, a classmate was cited by sheriff’s deputies for blatantly using crayons in gang colors.” (Bob Mills)

“President Clinton is trying to decide where he wants to put his presidential library, but there could be a major problem. How do you have a presidential library when you’ve shredded all your documents?” (Leno)

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Those Busy Archeologists: “A British archeologist has found globs of flavored tar that was chewed and spat out by a prehistoric man,” says Jenny Church. “It’s the first fossil evidence of major league baseball.”

* “The wads of chewed birch bark tar were found stuck underneath movie seats in the recently discovered ruins of the Mall of the Neanderthals.” (Mills)

Two 800-pound bronze cannons have been recovered from a ship sunk in 1687 off the gulf of Texas. “The remarkably preserved gun barrels still bear the crest of King Louis XIV and the manufacturer’s logo, Le Special du Saturday Nuit.” (Mills)

Yet more archeologists are at work in a Greenland fiord uncovering a 1,000-year-old Viking settlement. “Included among the artifacts were knives, tools, storage barrels and wooden bowls--all inscribed with the official NFL product logo.” (Mills)

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New from Satan: A Wisconsin middle school banned clothing and makeup related to the Satan-themed band Marilyn Manson after pupils pretended to cast spells. “It was a horrible spell,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “If the subject stepped on a crack, he’d break his mother’s back.”

* “Satanic? Rock fans know better. When you call the number of the Beast, you get Ticketmaster.” (Cutler)

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Reader Gladys Sturman says her 6-year-old grandson Shmuel Rabi was admonishing his 4-year-old brother, Moshe Todrus: “Why don’t you change your shirt? It’s all dirty.” The younger boy looked over his shirt.

“No it isn’t. Here’s a clean spot.”