Punch Lines

Around the Country: Philadelphia is trying to attract tourists with a new slogan, “The Place That Loves you Back.” L.A. has a new slogan too, says Jerry Perisho: “The place where pro football teams never come back.”

A new survey shows that 89% of Americans say rudeness is a problem in our society. “The other 11% said, ‘Get lost.’ ” (Rudolph J. Cecerra)

Chemicals may cause bizarre malformations found in frogs in Minnesota. “Yeah?” says Bill Williams. “What about the mad Dr. Frogenstein?”

The government is deciding whether to introduce a new 311 emergency number to keep 911 free for the direst situations. “911 will apparently only be used for life-threatening situations, burglaries in progress and anyone being taken against their will to see ‘Meet Wally Sparks.’ ” (Premiere Morning sickness)

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The Small Screen: PBS aired Ken Burns’ documentary on Thomas Jefferson this week. “In a move typical of sweeps tit-for-tat, Fox is airing all 240 episodes of ‘The Jeffersons,’ ” says Bob Mills.

* “Did you know Thomas Jefferson invented an early version of the copying machine?” asks the Cutler Daily Scoop. “He was also the first person to walk away from a paper jam, pretending he didn’t do it.”

“A lot of people were actually frightened by the NBC movie ‘Asteroid,’ ” says Jay Leno. “Not to worry. Astronomers say there is only a one-in-10 chance that another miniseries that bad will hit Earth in the next 10,000 years.”

* “There is so much quality television this week,” Leno says. “This weekend on the TNT network you can see ‘The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Special.’ This is for people who find the complicated plots on ‘Baywatch’ too hard to follow.”

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In The News: “The doctor who wrote the study saying Cold-Eze zinc lozenges cure colds held stock in Cold-Eze, and his study sent the price from $1 to $30 a share,” says Argus Hamilton. “At last. A surgeon general everybody in Washington can agree on.”

“Saturday is the birthday of our greatest president, George Washington,” says Steve Voldseth. “Before him, people had to pay full price for their mattresses.”

Sylvester Stallone is donating his $1-million, 12-foot sculpture of Mozart to Miami’s Center for the Performing Arts. Says Alex Pearlstein, “It will be the centerpiece of the organization’s new ‘Yo, Amadeus’ exhibit.”

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Reader Juliette Westley of Los Angeles says she was hiking with her 5-year-old daughter, Andrea, when they came upon a beautiful patch of flowers. She explained to Andrea that these were wild flowers. Andrea replied,

“Mommy, they look tame to me.”