Punch Lines
Our Government: The Justice Department has announced 180,000 immigrants were naturalized without undergoing complete criminal background checks. “They apparently were able to make use of a rare loophole engraved on the Statue of Liberty,” says Mike Reeder. “ ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your criminally insane. . . .’ ”
“Whitewater special prosecutor Kenneth Starr says his work is far from done,” says Argus Hamilton. “His ghostwriter is only on Chapter 6.”
President Clinton wants national math and reading standards for all kids. “But what about history? A recent survey says most ninth-graders believe that Franklin D. Roosevelt invented Prozac and ended the Great Depression.” (Hamilton)
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Business Beat: Mobil Oil has a tiny remote you can use to speed up gas purchases, says Jay Leno. “You wave it in front of a gas pump, it turns it on. You don’t need your wallet, you don’t need your credit card. You just wave this thing, get whatever you want. We have had that in L.A. for years. It’s called a handgun.”
Kraft has joined Procter & Gamble’s Folger’s brand in jacking up the price of its Maxwell House coffee. Says Bob Mills, “The well-known slogan has been changed to, ‘Good to the last greed inspired price hike.’ ”
* “See that Starbucks sign,” says Leno. “3.9% financing available.”
Smith Corona Corp. says it will emerge from Chapter 11 as a viable company. “It decided it must diversify,” says Jerry Perisho. “Watch for its new line of carbon paper, 8-track tapes and little flashlights for movie theater ushers.”
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In the News: Ross Perot says he won’t rule out a run for president in 2000. “He’s already out on the fund-raising trail,” says Hamilton. “This morning he had breakfast by himself and raised $10 million.”
The Justice Policy Institute says more money is spent building new prisons than new college buildings. “On the bright side, more prisoners than college students earn degrees.” (Perisho)
Horror meister Clive Barker is getting into children’s programming. “As if Barney isn’t scary enough.” (The Cutler Daily Scoop)
“Despite court rulings, a tax accounting firm in California is telling people they can deduct the cost of marijuana as a medical expense,” says Leno. “That means the IRS could end up owing Willie Nelson money.”
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Reader Jo Halling of Toluca Lake says that when her family went to Disneyland, their 4-year-old daughter, Leslie, begged her dad to take her on the Matterhorn after her two older brothers got to ride it. Her dad finally agreed to hold her in his lap on the ride. When they got off, Leslie told him sternly:
“You should know better than to take a little kid like me on a ride like that.”
