Forget Honest Abe and Think Mickey Mouse

If you’re like me, you’re sickened by revelations that the Democrats have been selling access to the president. You know, coffee breaks with Bill, nights in the Lincoln Bedroom, all for sale to big contributors from Arkansas to Asia. Why is this so sickening? Because all of us, not just the Democratic Party, should be cashing in.

Just imagine how much revenue would pour into the U.S. Treasury if the government sold moments with the president. After all, whose payroll is the man on, anyway? Ours, that’s whose. If he’s got time to shmooze with his meter running for the sake of his party, he’s got time to sign some glossies, maybe even appear at some weddings and bar mitzvahs for the sake of deficit reduction. The president is a star. People pay to be near him. Sure, lots of contributors hope to influence public policy, but do you think policy makes a car dealer in Pittsburgh give the Democratic Party an extra $5,000 to get a picture of himself shaking the president’s hand?

Every day, tourists in Washington pay good money for Polaroids of themselves standing next to life-size cutouts of Clinton. Think how they’d line up for pix with the prez in the flesh. What a climax to the White House tour: The president himself comes by for an hour of $1,000-a-pop grip-’n’-grin photos with members of the public (see our catalog for package prices on enlargements and wallet-size sets).

And how about autographs? Athletes collect huge sums of money for sitting at card tables and signing caps, trading cards and jerseys for star-struck kids and their dads. And yet I have personally witnessed Bill Clinton giving away his signature!

I know, I know. You’re worried that marketing the president demeans the presidency. But an administration that vows to balance the budget without slashing entitlements needs to get out and hustle some revenue. If the president can help save Medicare by selling tete-a-tete time, he’s served us well.

At least the White House should start charging for services now offered free, such as sending congratulatory messages to people celebrating milestone events. My in-laws recently got a nice note on their golden wedding anniversary. Several years ago, the Reagan White House sent my wife’s grandmother a lovely card on her 80th birthday. My wife and I aren’t rich, but we would have sprung for, say, 50 bucks each for those once-in-a-lifetime greetings. Now do the numbers. There are 266 million other people in this country who have anniversaries and birthdays--and a billion-plus more in Asia.

Here’s another marketing op for the president: the lecture circuit. If Cokie Roberts and other capital pundits can command thousands of dollars per speech, surely the object of all their punditry can get six figures. Say you’re program chair for the AMA’s annual convention and you can get Gerald Ford for 50K or Bill Clinton for 150K. Whom do you call? And Clinton will do more than pack the hall for your plenary session; for a small additional charge he’ll play golf with your top guys. And since the president’s fee goes to the Treasury, it might be tax-deductible.

So be it resolved: Political campaigns should be banned from selling access to the White House. If someone wants to chat up the president of the United States or book an overnight stay, let him pay the American people for the privilege. Visa and MasterCard accepted.