Punch Lines

That California Spin: “Guess you all know the big story about these tainted strawberries making schoolkids sick across the country,” says Jay Leno. “Actually, a lot of kids in California schools are still eating the strawberries. See, under the law here, if they get sick, they get to smoke marijuana.”

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Suddenly Not Susan: Sixteen-time loser Susan Lucci of “All My Children” has been nominated for a 17th Daytime Emmy. “She’s philosophic about her chances,” says Alan Ray--” ’Lose some, lose some.’ ”

* “Current reruns of old episodes will permit viewers to catch some of Lucci’s early Emmy-losing performances.” (Olympia Daily World)

* “Denying Susan the Emmy is like denying Charlie Manson parole. It’s just one of those formalities you have to go through every year or so.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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Modern Travel: The FAA has ordered inspection of 747s after the wing flap fell off a jet. “Investigators have called in several highly respected aviation experts, including Pierre Salinger.” (Bob Mills)

Continental Airlines and its pilots are negotiating a new contract. “The labor union termed the company’s first action antagonistic,” says Ray. “It tried to feed them lunch.”

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Spring Thoughts: “How bad is it to be a Pirate this year? Three guys have gotten hurt chasing fly balls after tripping on the straps of their peanut vending trays.” (Alex Pearlstein)

The deadline for filing taxes is eight days off. “The philosophy behind a national income tax is from an old adage. Congressmen cannot live on bribes alone.” (Ray)

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Government and Politics: “George Bush says he never did any fund-raising in the White House,” says the Daily Scoop. “Jimmy Carter says the same thing, but he does admit he lusted after campaign funds in his heart.”

CNN says President Clinton was in cahoots with the Democrats in 1996. “What an odd alliance.” (Argus Hamilton)

A draft of a plan for the Pentagon calls for expansion of noncombat rolls for the military. “It calls for humanitarian missions, peacekeeping missions, serving as extras in Tom Clancy movies. . . .” (Scoop)

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Reader Jeannie Varnuska says her 5-year-old son, Tyler, wears a medic alert bracelet. One day when she noticed it was missing, she asked him if he’d lost it again. “No, Mom,” he said. “The dog ate it.” Not wanting to encourage lying, she looked into Tyler’s eyes and said, “Tyler, I find that very hard to believe.”

“Mom,” he replied, “it was truly amazing.”