Column: Gustavo’s predictions for 2024: President De León? DeSantis as grape stomper at Newsom’s vineyard?
Since I started this columna three years ago, I’ve put on my divination Stetson every December and become Gustradamus, soothsayer of future L.A.
Every year, I’ve gotten more and more predictions correct — which is more frightening than cool.
I try to think of the most outlandish scenarios, things that can’t possibly come true. But we live in an era where reality and fiction are nearly indistinguishable.
It’s that time of year again: Gustavo Arellano — aka Gustradamus — drops his predictions for 2022.
Donald Trump just might win the presidency next year. Former L.A. County Sheriff Alex Villanueva is again running for higher office — he thinks he has a chance to dethrone L.A. County Supervisor Janice Hahn — instead of hiding in his man cave in La Habra Heights for the rest of his life like any other humiliated human would.
What’s next: Rick Caruso buys his suits at the Paramount Swap Meet? USC wins a national football championship? I’m calling those, as well as the following — and if any come true, be afraid, Southern California. Be very afraid.
*In-N-Out announces a new location on Neptune — not the avenue in Wilmington but the planet. Fans from California to Tennessee to whatever world Rob Schneider is from wait in a line that stretches to the Asteroid Belt, only to find out that In-N-Out is as overrated in the outer rungs of the solar system as it is on Earth.
*Councilmember Kevin de León gets more than 50% of the vote in the March primary, thereby winning his reelection bid outright and completing a political comeback few thought possible after his role in the 2022 City Hall leaked-tape scandal. At his victory party, De León vows to supporters that he’ll never, ever, pinky swear, cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die-stick-a-needle-in-my-eye run for higher office while councilmember — a promise he’s broken before. A day later, he announces write-in candidacies for president, U.S. Senate, Congress, his old Assembly district, L.A. County district attorney, L.A. County Superior Court judge and treasurer of the We Love L.A. Book Club that meets at the Eagle Rock Branch Library. De León loses each race.
*A class in Car Chase Studies becomes a graduation requirement at all California public universities.
*The Huntington Beach City Council — not content with its MAGA bona fides after dismantling the city’s human relations committee, prohibiting the pride flag from flying over City Hall and trying to keep away supposedly obscene books from library bookshelves — bans the ocean. The problem? Surf City’s waves are woke, because they’re blue like Democrats.
*Emboldened by the passage of his resolution to ban rodeos within L.A. city limits, Councilmember Bob Blumenfield drafts a new one seeking to stop all use of horses. Not only are people banned from riding on the animals, but say goodbye to plastic kiddie rides in front of supermarkets, Ford Mustangs and Pintos on the streets, Boise State Broncos games at the Coliseum and reruns of “Bojack Horseman” on Netflix.
*San Clemente finds the perfect source for the sand it needs to shore up its rapidly eroding beaches: the head of Los Angeles Chargers owner Dean Spanos.
L.A. Times columnist Gustavo Arellano has an uncanny ability to not be able to predict the future. But last year, two of his 2022 predictions came true — both of them bad news. Will 2023 be better?
*Right-wing media realizes that the most dangerous city in California isn’t San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Bernardino or even Santa Ana — it’s Irvine. Anyone who has tried telling a homeowner’s association that they want to paint their house eggshell white instead of vanilla white — or parked a car overnight that’s more than seven years old — will know exactly what I mean.
*Alden Global Capital, the hedge fund that has eviscerated local newspapers across the U.S. and owns nearly every remaining daily in Southern California except the Los Angeles Times, decides it needs a name change to spruce up its reputation. Welcome, Death Star Media!
*LAUSD Superintendent Alberto Carvalho takes out the stick from his tuchus and slouches for a second.
*The Kardashians announce a beef birria popup, thereby killing off the biggest Mexican food trend in Southern California since Korean tacos. The dish returns to its roots: served only at zacatecano quinceañeras and grandma birthday parties at labor halls and American Legion posts in Montebello, Anaheim and maybe Panorama City.
*Ron DeSantis, humiliated in the Republican presidential primaries, drops out of the race, resigns as governor of Florida and moves to California. Finding that the Golden State is not the hellhole he has spent most of his time in office demeaning, DeSantis announces his penance will be serving as Gavin Newsom’s personal footstool. Newsom graciously gives him a more dignified job: grape stomper at his vineyard, where his frenemy’s tantrums can be put to use.
*L.A. voters approve expanding the City Council from 15 seats to 27. The council then tasks AI to draw up boundaries for the new districts that will please everyone. AI does the digital equivalent of hanging a sign that says “Be Back Soon” and disappears forever, thereby saving humanity from the rise of the machines.
*Mayor Karen Bass invites Shohei Ohtani to tackle his new city’s traffic, homelessness, housing, crime and parking problems. Unable to pitch this year and with extra time on his hands, Shotime solves them all and still manages to hit .538 with 203 home runs in his first season as a Dodger.
*Meanwhile, Angels owner Arte Moreno finally decides to invest in young prospects after being burned too many times by past-their-prime free agents. The Halos get within one out of winning Game 7 of the World Series against the Dodgers before Ohtani hits a grand slam off Mike Trout. The Blue Crew signs all the prospects-made-good in the off-season with a simple pitch: We’re the Dodgers, and the Angels are the Angels.
*Peace in the Middle East finally happens — wait, I mean peace between gentrifiers and Boyle Heights activists. Eh, who am I kidding! The first will happen before the second.
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