Punch Lines

Integrity Index: A survey of American workers found that almost half admit to committing unethical or illegal acts at work in the past year. “I guess there are a few more Friends of Bill than people thought.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Fifty-six percent felt pressure from their supervisors to act unethically,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “How often do you hear things like, ‘I don’t care, just get it done’ or ‘Kathie Lee called and she wants those kids back working right now or it’s your neck’?”

* Fourteen percent say they covered up an incident. “Accident? What nuclear accident?” (Scoop)

* “Indicative of the problem, 93% of the 1,324 participating employees filled out their questionnaires with pens they’d stolen from the supply room.” (Bob Mills)

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Our Government: “Sen. Jesse Helms is digging in to bar Senate approval of a ban on chemical weapons,” says Mills. “Fearing a precedent, he told reporters that if poison gas is banned, next they’ll claim tobacco smoke is harmful.”

Fed chairman Alan Greenspan married NBC’s Patricia Mitchell on Sunday. “He’s the most fascinating public speaker on the lecture circuit. Every time he speaks, your interest goes up.” (Argus Hamilton)

House Speaker Newt Gingrich says the IRS is inefficient--that if you call six different offices with the same question, you get six different answers. “But he’s going to keep calling until someone tells him his $300,000 ethics fine is deductible,” Hamilton says.

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In the Schools: Thousands of L.A. students have been inoculated against health risks of cafeteria strawberries. “If the program proves successful, they’ll try to come up with a shot to protect students from mystery meat.” (Mills)

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New in Hollywood: “Robert Downey Jr. celebrated his 32nd birthday with a surprise party,” says Rudolph J. Cecera. “When he woke up that morning, the people whose house he was in were very surprised.”

“Double Team” starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman opened at No. 5 in weekend box office rankings. Says the Olympia Daily World, “It takes having a co-star like Dennis to make critics finally sit up and say, ‘Hey, that Van Damme is some actor.’ ”

* “How’s Rodman, the actor? He’s no Shaquille O’Neal.” (Daily Scoop)

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Reader Joan Wagner of Lakewood was making frozen pizza for her kids. The instructions called for it to be baked in the oven, not the microwave where the family usually cooks. When her 5-year-old daughter, Lauren, didn’t see the pizza in the microwave, she pleaded, “Mom, where’s the pizza?” “In the oven,” Wagner told her” Lauren’s response:

“Where’s the oven?”