Punch Lines

“You ever have nightmares about doing your taxes? I had a nightmare. I dreamed that the IRS took everything I had except my season tickets to the Cubs.” (Jay Leno)

* The Clintons’ combined income was $1 million, most from the sale of Hillary’s book, and they paid about $200,000 in taxes. “They could use some advice from Barbara Bush,” says the Funny Firm. “She had Millie the Dog write the books and take the heat for the taxes.”

* “Midnight Tuesday. When Cinderella’s carriage turned into a pumpkin and your tax dollars turned into pork.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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Capitol Beat: Leading Clinton campaign donors were provided trips on Air Force One. “No wonder so many people gave money to the Democratic National Committee,” says Alex Pearlstein. “The White House even had a frequent flier program.”

Former Whitewater partner Jim McDougal got three years in prison after switching his story and cooperating with Kenneth Starr. “Starr has a real affinity for people who change their minds.” (Daily Scoop)

Newt Gingrich is calling for an independent counsel to look into possible illegal fund-raising by Democrats. “The speaker seeks answers to important questions,” says Alan Ray. “He wants names and phone numbers.”

* “The problem seems to be that all qualified independent counsels are already employed.” (Bob Mills)

* The Postal Service announced that by 1998 it may raise the cost of postage by two cents. “First-class stamp’s gonna go to 34 cents--and that doesn’t include delivery.” (Leno)

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Around the Country: The Hollywood Women’s Political Committee is disbanding because members feel money has corrupted politics. “They want Washington to remain pure and unaffected by big money--the way Hollywood has.” (Jerry Perisho)

New York Congressman Charles Schumer says Florida is the No. 1 supplier of guns used in crimes. “In its defense, Florida says 40,000 handgun purchases were denied in 1996,” says Perisho. “Of course, those were to the convicted felons the state prisons were releasing onto the streets.”

The New York Times says 10% of the NFL’s 1,500 players are addicted to painkillers. “It’s peer pressure,” says Argus Hamilton. “Many players feel that if you can’t wrap your car around a tree and walk away, you don’t belong in the game.”

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Reader Suzann Kelly of Long Beach was trying to coax her finicky 7-year-old son, Casey, into eating a tuna sandwich. Tuna is one of the foods he won’t try. “My goal was to get him to take one bite,” she says. “I was caught off guard when my first offer to eat half of the sandwich was accepted. But, when I turned around, I saw a most innovative child holding only the top slice of bread and smiling.”

“OK, I’ll eat this half,” he said.