Punch lines
The Last Words: “If you mailed your taxes Tuesday, you’re in pretty good shape,” says Jay Leno. “You can relax--your return will get there on Thursday. They’ll deposit your check on Friday, the bank will start to process it on Saturday. So enjoy the weekend. Your check won’t even bounce until Monday.”
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Losers of Found Persons: An 18-month investigation has found significant failures at the FBI crime lab in Washington. “Dirty and outdated equipment included Petri dishes so old they have Rob and Laura’s names on them,” says Bill Williams.
* “It looks like the FBI has been borrowing employees from the post office again. (Jerry Perisho)
* An investigator was astonished when a lab technician told him he thought a Bunsen burner was an arsonist.” (Stan Kaplan)
* “A probe of the lab revealed rampant inaccuracies and shoddy analysis,” says Alex Pearlstein. “The agency will now be referred to as the FB-IRS.”
* “The FBI erred in major cases,” says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “For example, John Dillinger was actually Public Enemy No. 2.”
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Elsewhere in the Intelligence Community: “The CIA has admitted it had information on chemical weapons sites in Iraq for years, but never managed to tell anybody about it,” says Paul Steinberg. “Today the agency announced that the Soviet Union may break apart.”
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Whew: “Mines were found along the pope’s route in Bosnia,” says the Scoop. “The pope was relieved. At first, he thought they said ‘mimes.’ ”
Researchers announce coffee may contain the same cancer-protective antioxidants as vegetables, says Russ Meyers. “I guess that news ruins plans for the next projected rage--Brussels sprouts cafes.”
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Around the Country: “The Massachusetts governor is backing a coalition to name the Fig Newton the state’s official cookie,” says Williams. “California’s already got a state cookie--Heidi Fleiss.”
Bad cheese was found being sold door-to-door in San Mateo County, Calif. “Here are two things that don’t go together: dairy products and trunk of a car.” (Buddy Baron)
The Ku Klux Klan wants to pick up trash in Missouri’s Adopt-a-Highway program. “Finally . . . a use for those pointy hats.” (Perisho)
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Reader Alice Ferch of Santa Ana was watching an unusually wild western on TV with her children. Her daughter Patrice asked 5-year-old Ryan, “Did you watch all of that movie?”
“Yes,” Ryan replied, “except when I was blinking.”
