Punch Lines

Happy Earth Day: “Ah, yes. The day when ads, books, fliers, pamphlets and posters force the clear-cutting of 25,000 trees.” (Alex Pearlstein)

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Arts and Entertainment: “Titanic” is becoming the most expensive movie ever made and is months behind schedule. “They’re calling it, ‘We’re taking on “Waterworld.” ’ “ (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “These problems could affect the studio’s plans for a sequel,” says Alex Kaseberg.

Sammy “The Bull” Gravano admitted on “PrimeTime Live” that he murdered 19 people. “The good news for ABC is, no sponsors pulled out of the program,” says Jay Leno. “It’s not like Sammy admitted something really bad, like being gay.”

* The Pat Robertson / Jerry Falwell-supported Media Research Council blasts the “Ellen” coming-out episode as a “slap in the face to American values.” “Ouch. So morally indignant, yet so comfortable with violent imagery.” (Daily Scoop)

“Bizarre rocker Iggy Pop turned 50 on Monday,” says Pearlstein. “As is the case with most aging rockers, he doesn’t look a day over 80.”

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Pet Corner: “A scientist in Australia says he has developed a new drug that is a tranquilizer for turtles,” says Leno. “Is that a problem for anyone? Not being able to catch your turtle?”

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Politics as Usual: Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu appeared on TV and accused his political enemies of making false charges against him. “He’s well liked in Washington,” says Argus Hamilton. “President Clinton phoned to offer his support and Bob Dole called and asked how much he needs.”

“Commerce Department officials are red-faced over a $1.2-billion mistake in understating U.S. oil imports,” says Mills. “The blame was laid at the feet of several new hires in the accounting department whose only previous experience was with Hollywood studios.”

“The May sweeps are coming up,” says Alan Ray. “There’s a new TV show about President Clinton’s war on crime: ‘Friends.’ ”

According to Newsweek, Bob Dole didn’t tell wife Liddy about the $300,000 loan to Newt Gingrich. “Bob said, ‘Bob Dole made him do it.’ ” (Scoop)

Clinton and Vice President Al Gore made a cybervisit to elementary schools via computer video link, and one child asked why Congress seems more concerned with prisons than schools. “Simple,” says Jenny Church. Congressmen aren’t sent to school.”

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Reader Rick Tissel says his 4-year-old daughter returned from a doctor’s visit to get her immunizations.

“Daddy,” she told him excitedly, “I just got my shots so I won’t get the chickenpox or the weasels.”