Punch Lines

Tobacco Road: “According to a study by the American Dental Assn., smoking a pack of cigarettes a day can cause you to lose up to two teeth every 10 years. And you know, it’s not like the tobacco companies didn’t know about it. Remember the slogan ‘LSMFT’? Turns out it’s short for ‘Lucky Strike Means Fewer Teeth.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

The tobacco industry has agreed to pay $360 billion to settle lawsuits, says Jay Leno. “The tobacco executives did get one piece of good news. Apparently they can get a full refund on all the congressmen they bought in the last year if they have the receipts.”

* “The companies also agreed to get rid of all their billboards. A month from now, Joe Camel and the Marlboro man will be living in O.J.’s guest house.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “To further protect public health, the accord will permit tobacco companies to direct their advertising only toward phone solicitors.” (Johnny Robish)

* “Relax, smokers. It is still legal to smoke under water and on top of Mt. Everest.” (Russ Myers)

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Hollywood Moments: “ ‘Batman and Robin’ pulled in $43 million over the weekend. Holy bankroll!” (Paul Ecker)

“Sylvester Stallone said it was immaturity that caused him to bounce from one supermodel to the next,” says Alex Kaseberg. “Do you want to know the real reason? Because he could.”

Steven Seagal has been named a reincarnated lama and sacred vessel of Tibetan Buddhism. “He’s currently working on a new book, ‘The Tibetan Book of How to Make Them Dead.’ ” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Kato Kaelin is getting married. “If you’d like to get something for Kato, you can’t go wrong with a job.” (Leno)

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Political Scene: President Clinton gave a stirring speech at the foot of the Rocky Mountains. “That’s an old trick of John Wayne’s. Standing in front of the Continental Divide always makes you look 30 pounds slimmer.” (Hamilton)

* “Russian President Boris Yeltsin stole the show at the Summit of the Eight in Denver,” Hamilton says. “He went three days and nights thinking he was sober. Europeans often mistake Coors for bottled water.”

* Summit-goers were entertained by singers including Michael Bolton, says Jerry Perisho. “The leaders from all over the world put pressure on Clinton to limit foreign exports. The result is that Bolton may no longer tour outside the U.S.”

“Officials from all over the world have agreed to place severe restrictions on the export of caviar from Russia,” Leno says. “First no tax cut, now no caviar. This is a bad year for the Republicans.”

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Reader Brad Foster says a classmate of his 5-year-old grandson’s, Brady, was found to have lice, so all of the children in the class had to be checked. After his mother finished examining his hair, Brady nervously asked:

“Mom, do I have headlights?”