What Does the Adopted Child Do When the Teacher Asks for a Family Tree?

One day my son came home from school crying because he couldn’t do his homework.

Benjamin, then in kindergarten, was learning about how things grow and change. His teacher had sent home a piece of adding machine tape with the following instructions:

“Cut the paper to the length you were when you were born, and please bring in photos of you when you were a baby, so we can see how much bigger you are, and how different you look now that you are older.”

My son was adopted when he was 3 years old.

I never knew him when he was a baby. He spent his first three years in a Russian orphanage, where he was when I traveled to get him nearly four years ago. He did not come with baby photos or any birth information.

I don’t know when he got his first tooth or when he took his first steps or even when he spoke his first words. I desperately wish I did--it’s a piece of him that is missing and probably gone forever.

The unhappiness that he experienced at being forced to confront these issues at such a young age became my anger. And not for the first time.

I had complained to the school earlier about adoption-insensitive assignments: My 10-year-old daughter, who was born in Calcutta--and had no information about her birth family either--was told to draw a family tree.

I finally suggested she put my biological relatives in the branches, but also draw roots “located” in India.

Though the approach worked, it also inspired a series of painful conversations between us about her lack of personal and biological history.

Such scenes are not limited to our household: An estimated 2% of the U.S. population is adopted, meaning that classrooms nationwide contain tens of thousands of American children who are adopted or in foster care.

Certain classroom discussions or homework assignments almost certainly cause difficulty for these children, who may not want to share personal information--or for whom such information may not be available.

*

The most problematic assignments seem to be those associated with autobiographies, family trees, baby pictures, timelines, “student of the week” projects, family holidays (including Mother’s Day and Father’s Day), vacation stories, family heritage/medical histories, inherited characteristics and sexual development.

“No one wants to be blindsided by these issues. They can cause all sorts of emotional upheavals for children,” said Ann Sullivan, adoption program director for the Washington-based Child Welfare League of America. “It’s critically important for adopted kids to have teachers who are sensitive to their needs.”

With the definition of the American family changing in so many ways, “schools must drop the assumption that families are created only in one way,” said Carol Williams, associate commissioner of the federal Department of Health and Human Services’ children’s bureau. “Often, we create an incredible dilemma for these kids because we don’t recognize how many different ways families come together.”

To be sure, I never discourage honest exchanges with my children about their past and their adoption. I do everything I can to create an environment where my children can feel secure about raising these topics.

But I feel strongly that they need to be ready and that the timing should be up to us--and not be prompted, however inadvertently, by their teachers.

Although it is always a good idea to talk to a child’s teacher about being adoption-sensitive, it may not always do the job. Despite speaking to both my children’s teachers at the start of the school year, the aforementioned assignments still came home.

In Maryland, a novel program known as Project Succeed--initially funded by Health and Human Services--has presented a seminar, “Adoption Awareness in the Schools,” to more than 900 educators in public and private schools in the state and seeks to send speakers to “in-service” sessions, staff meetings and other school-sponsored functions.

“Attitudes about adoption in the schools greatly influence the opinions of [adopted children’s] classmates, as well as their self-confidence,” said Debbie Riley, director of the Center for Adoptive Families, the umbrella organization for Project Succeed.

“It can be difficult for teachers, parents and children to communicate about adoption because of stereotypes, misunderstandings and concerns about confidentiality.”

Project Succeed’s fundamental message to teachers is to be aware and allow choices.

“When offered opportunities to adjust assignments to their particular situation, children who were adopted can participate without appearing to be different,” Riley said. Among her specific advice:

* Since Mother’s Day or Father’ Day “may bring up thoughts about birth parents, allow children who were adopted to make cards, poems or gifts for birth parents, if they wish.” But children can be encouraged to give gifts for other family members, as well, such as favorite aunts and uncles.

* If lesson plans include discussion about the birth country of a child who was adopted, “check in advance with the family about the child’s knowledge about that country.”

* For autobiographies, ask all of the children “to write about a favorite time period rather than only birth to the present.”

* For family trees, the group suggests drawing tree “roots,” as we did, or a wheel--one-half of which details the adoptive family, the other half the birth family. Another possibility is to have parallel branches acknowledging both elements of a child’s history, even if there is no specific information.

Above all, teachers should take the time to think about the impact of a particular assignment on adopted children, experts in the field say. And teachers should never dismiss the issue as insignificant because, to these children, it is not.

“All families need support, whether bio or adoptive, and one would hope that the educational system would provide that support,” Sullivan said.

“Kids hate to feel different--whether it’s because they are tall, short or a different skin color. Anything that the schools can do to normalize and affirm adoption--rather than make kids feel different--contributes to that kind of support.”

*

Note: Additional information and materials can be obtained through Project Succeed, Center for Adoptive Families, 10230 New Hampshire Ave., Suite 200, Silver Spring, MD 20903. Telephone: (301) 439-2900.

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

A Genealogist’s Wheel for Adopted Children

Here is a way of tracing a family tree developed by those who advocate making lessons sensitive to the fact that tens of thousands of students are adopted.

Source: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services