Next to Nothing

No matter how you may feel about the subject, adult entertainment clubs are a fact of life in Orange County. Scamps in Westminster pushes most of the hot buttons typical to this controversial genre.

The club belongs to Jenna Jameson, a well-known performer in adult films. The entertainment is provided by a troupe of female dancers, young, restless types who start their numbers wearing suggestive costumes and finish them wearing nothing.

When my friends and I approach the front door, about 11 p.m., we are headed off by a burly security guard. First he announces that there will be a $10 cover charge. Then he tells the woman in our group that she--and all women--are admitted free.

Our friend is carrying a handbag and is subjected to a bag search. The guard tells us politely that his main concern in conducting a search is to prevent alcoholic beverages from entering the building. They are unlawful in adult clubs and can lead to the revocation of an adult club’s license.

Inside, we find a table near the stage, while a dancer who looks a bit like a well-known feature-film actress gyrates around a pole in a red football jersey. The featured star on this evening is adult-film actress Sandy Beach, but one of the waitresses tells us that she won’t be on any time soon. Meanwhile, the music is so loud that we can barely figure out the name of the song being played: It is Madonna’s “Like a Virgin.”

Anyone coming to Scamps had better be prepared for a sensory assault. Scarlet curtains run around the perimeter of the stage; a spinning mirrored ball reflects glare straight into your eyes, no matter where you sit.

The noise level isn’t softened by the emcee, who has a booming voice reminiscent of an announcer at a stock-car race. But it’s obvious that several gentlemen seated particularly close to the stage do not mind any of this. Observing them casually, the look on their faces is best described as appreciative.

The dancers, introduced with stage names such as Angela, Leah and Tamara, are heavily tipped after completing their numbers. An automated-teller machine by the front door is available in case you run out of $1 bills.

I talk to a couple of women after they dance, and both are incredulous when I claim to be a reporter. “Why do you want to talk to us?” one asks. “This is a strip club, for heaven’s sake.”

Next rap music blares out of the sound system, so we sip our $4.50 soft drinks slowly, unable to converse. After four or five more acts, we get restless. We leave about 1 a.m., never having seen the elusive Sandy Beach. But as we head to the parking lot, we can’t help noticing a stretch limo, a bodyguard nearby.

Who can be inside, oh sweet mystery of life?

Maybe there ain’t no Sandy Beach, but we are all too old to believe in Santa Claus.

BE THERE

* Scamps, 7000 Garden Grove Blvd., Westminster. 7 p.m.-2 a.m. nightly. $10 cover for men; women admitted free. One-drink minimum. Drinks $4.50. (714) 891-1430.