Punch Lines

Weird Facts: The Grateful Dead’s ‘60s home in San Francisco is up for sale, says Alan Ray. “If only walls could talk. . . . Of course, in those days, they did.”

* “The Summer of Love auction includes a real antique--Jerry Brown.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

“A burglar in Oslo, Norway, was arrested after he called a taxi to help him haul away the loot from a house he had broken into. Apparently, the cab driver became suspicious when the man tried to tip him with a stereo.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

A California DMV clerk was paid cash bribes of up to $850 to issue fraudulent driver’s licenses to unqualified applicants, Bob Mills says. “To pay the $850, you still had to go to his house and stand in line for 3 1/2 hours.”

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Our National Pastime: Wednesday was the anniversary of the date in 1974 when Angels pitcher Nolan Ryan became the first major league pitcher to be clocked at more than 100 mph, says Jerry Perisho. “Detroit pitcher Denny McLain also did it, but he was driving a 1968 Ford Mustang at the time.”

The players’ union is trying to prevent the Angels and the team’s owner, Disney, from suspending outfielder Tony Phillips for refusing drug rehab. “Why don’t they boycott Disney? That’s what everyone else does.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Disney became suspicious of Phillips when they found out his nickname was Snow White.” (Jay Leno)

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World of Business: Microsoft is putting out a talking Barney, says the Daily Scoop. “OK. You’ve convinced us. Bill Gates is the antichrist.”

* “Gates really likes the Barney song: ‘I own you, I own you, and soon I will own you too. . . .’ ” (Daily Scoop)

Wells Fargo will slash 1,200 more jobs, bringing the total job loss to 12,600 since it acquired First Interstate. “Absence of the human factor is being felt,” says Mills. “The sack race at the company picnic this year was won by two ATMs.”

“Are you worried about this stock market thing, the way it’s been going up and down?” asks Leno. “The secret of safe money management is diversification--like my stockbroker put some of my money in Woolworth stock, I got some in the Russian space industry, and the rest of it I put into the movie ‘Speed 2.’ ”

The Burt Reynolds Institute for Theatre Training in Florida is foundering, deep in debt. “Maybe students finally got around to seeing ‘Smokey and the Bandit.’ ” (Mark Wheeler)

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The Prez: “President Clinton and Vice President Al Gore are both away on vacation. But don’t worry. The White House is being run by five Indonesian bankers.” (Camille Brewster)

Reader Claire L. Colfax of Los Angeles says her mother was holding Colfax’s 5-year-old son, John Michael, on her lap. She said affectionately, “I think I’m going to eat you up.”

“No you won’t,” John Michael shot back confidently. “My hands are dirty.”