It’ll Be a Not-So Alien World

Our all-knowing, all-seeing psychic foretells the path to colonizing Mars.

* July 2019: Astronauts set foot on the red planet, declaring, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for our official sponsors--Budweiser, Chevrolet and new king-size Tide.”

* September 2022: QVC, the home shopping channel, begins selling Martian real estate.

* October 2022: Disney buys Mars.

* November 2022: Southern Baptists expand their Disney boycott by urging Christians not to look at the offending planet in the night sky and not to eat Mars candy bars.

* June 2040: Planet Disney, the first extraterrestrial amusement park, opens for business. Visitors leaving the planet must get their hands stamped at the launch pad if they wish to return later the same day.

* August 2099: Planet Disney goes bankrupt, outdone by competition from Venus Berry Farm and Six Flags Over Uranus.

* February 2101: Congress, now a subsidiary of Microsoft, passes legislation opening Mars to colonization.

* June 2102: The first interplanetary pilgrims set off for Mars aboard Southwest Airlines’ “friends fly free” space shuttle. But the six-month voyage ends in disaster when Southwest continues its policy of serving nothing but bags of peanuts for the in-flight meal and angry passengers, led by the Rev. Robert Schuller VIII, get into a phaser battle with flight attendants.

* August 2102: Caltrans opens the first intergalactic freeway, complete with chain-gang cleanup crews, emergency roadside telephones and a sign that says: “Now leaving Earth. Next rest area 35 million miles.”

* November 2102: To speed up the populating of Mars, NASA dispatches a huge contingent of single women accompanied by cryogenically preserved members of the Kennedy family.

* November 2103: The first Martian Thanksgiving is celebrated with a traditional feast of freeze-dried turkey in a tube, cranberry crystals and Chateau de Tang.

* January 2300: “Men Are From Mars, Women Also Are From Mars” tops the bestseller list.

* February 2300: To end the confusion caused by Mars’ 669-day year, Congress proposes a new 22-month calendar system. After consulting with theologians, philosophers and scientists, the extra months are named after members of the Brady Bunch.

* Marcia 2333: The Rolling Stones, still touring, play a three-night engagement at the Phobos Dome.

* Greg 2358: The first Elvis sighting is recorded.

* Cindy 2525: Martian supermarket tabloids publish accounts of residents being abducted by earthlings.

* Alice 2580: Voters approve an initiative designed to stem the flow of illegal space aliens, who are sneaking past the Mars border patrol by hiding in the trunks of satellites. The measure calls for construction of a giant chain-link fence 3,000 miles above the planet.

* Sam the Butcher 2627: UPS workers go on strike, complaining that delivery astronauts who travel the six-month route from Earth shouldn’t be considered “part time.” Drivers also demand that UPS install doors on its familiar open-air brown spaceships.

Clairvoyant Janet Cromley contributed to this forecast.

Who’s Up for a Voyage to the Red Planet?: Among readers’ flights of fantasy: Since men are from Mars, one man figures he’d do better there romantically. E8