Punch Lines

Go figure: “How come newspapers always describe Ted Kaczynski as a ‘math professor-turned-hermit’? Doesn’t that pretty much describe all math professors? You wouldn’t want to confuse him for one of those playboy, jet-setting math professors we all had in school.” (Jay Leno)

A rat in mice clothing? Former Mouseketeer Darlene Gillespie was just indicted for fraud: “M-I-C . . . See ya in 10 to 15 . . . K-E-Y . . . Why? Because we caught you. L-O-U-S-E.” (Mark Wheeler)

Hasta la vista, Ah-nold: Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told Barbara Walters he thought death was near when his doctor told him he needed a new heart valve. “My whole life passed before me,” Arnold recalled. “And I didn’t understand a word I said.” (Premiere Radio)

Been there, done that: “A survey in Self magazine says 59% of Americans don’t believe in reincarnation. The remaining 41% said they felt like they’d been asked that question before.” (Leno)

Where’s an A-bomb when you need one? Musician Kenny G just set a world record by playing one note on his saxophone for 45 minutes, 47 seconds. “People who heard the note immediately assumed the Emergency Broadcast System had gone into effect.” (Premiere Radio)

Animal instincts: “I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.” (Leno)

Moonstruck: “The Rev. Sun Myung Moon recently married 2,500 couples at a mass ceremony in Washington’s RFK Stadium. Isn’t it risky doing vows of faithfulness in a stadium named after a Kennedy?” (Argus Hamilton)

Coronary Strombosis: Sen. Strom Thurmond, 95, said he’s stepping down as chair of the Armed Services Committee because it’s time to hand leadership over to the next generation. “Hate to burst your bubble, Strom, but the next generation after you is already retired.” (Daily Scoop)

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