Punch Lines

Closer to the Beach: Ted Kaczynski’s cabin has arrived in Sacramento. “Of course, now that it’s in California, it’s officially a cute little cabana fixer-upper.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Technophile? “Maybe Kaczynski isn’t anti-technology. Maybe he just didn’t have room for a VCR.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Gore Chow Mein: The Democratic National Committee has invited 27 cities to compete for holding its national convention in 2000. “The leading contender: Beijing.” (Jerry Perisho)

Bon Appetit, Dude: The Census Bureau reports that Americans spend $209 billion eating out and that men are more likely to do the ordering for everybody. “That’s because they’re the ones driving and are nearest to the speaker.” (Cortes)

Welcome to Hell: Saxophonist Kenny G, using a double-breathing technique, recently set a world record by playing a single note for more than 45 minutes. “When adjusted to listening-to-Kenny-G time, that’s the equivalent of more than three hours.” (Alex Kaseberg)

Batteries Also Not Included: “At the first Christmas, according to biblical legend, Joseph wept at the sight of the three wise men. The gold and frankincense were OK. But the myrrh had to be assembled.” (Alan Ray)

Air Sears: The Sears Tower in Chicago, one of the world’s tallest buildings at 1,454 feet, was sold last week for $844 million. “That works out to about $580,000 per foot--which is a great bargain when you realize that Chicago’s other famous skyscraper, Michael Jordan, at 6-foot-6, costs $4.6 million per foot.” (Jerry Perisho)

Waterworld I: “The storms arrived in the nick of time. Dallas Raines’ tan was beginning to develop cracks.” (Cortes)

Waterworld II: “El Nin~o is still being blamed for everything. In fact, now it is responsible for ‘Home Alone 3,’ ” (Daily Scoop)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.