Punch Lines

Poet Lawyerette: “Johnnie Cochran has figured out a defense for suspended basketball player Latrell Sprewell: ‘If the coach provoked, he must be choked.’ ” (Paul Ecker)

Poet II: “Cochran also claims Mark Fuhrman planted Sprewell’s hands around the coach’s neck.” (Premiere Radio)

Poet III: Why is Cochran helping Sprewell? “Apparently he has a thing for jocks who have a thing for necks.” (Daily Scoop)

Just in Time for Xmas: “Meanwhile, parents are scrambling for the new Choke Me Latrell doll. Voice-activated, it strangles and threatens anyone who yells at it.” (Jerry Perisho)

Will Work for Baby Food: “The parents of the new septuplets say the infants just received their first job offer. Kathie Lee Gifford asked if the kids would sew dresses in her clothing factory.” (Geoffrey Negus)

Later, Slater: Actor Christian Slater was given a 90-day sentence. “The judge ordered him to go to jail, pay a fine and stop doing that bad Jack Nicholson impression.” (Camille Brewster)

Music to Soothe the Savage Breast: “Time-Warner is involved in another big music controversy, this time over the song ‘Smack My Bitch Up.’ Or, as O.J. calls it, mood music.” (Leno)

Dental Poster Boy: Donny Osmond just turned 40. “Know how to tell how old an Osmond is? Count their teeth. It’s like rings on a tree: one tooth for every year.” (Steve Voldseth)

Definitely Not an Osmond: The oldest woman in England has died at 114. “Well, they think she’s 114. The problem with English people: no dental records.” (Jay Leno)

El Ren~o: “Just to give you an idea how quickly President Clinton’s new Labrador retriever is learning to heel, sit and roll over: He’s thinking of naming it Attorney General.” (Voldseth)

Name Games: A move is afoot to rename L.A.’s airport. “Isn’t anyone worried that people might end up referring to it as ‘ex-LAX’ ”? (Irv Fischer)

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The Condensed David Letterman:

Top 10 signs you’ve hired a bad department-store Santa . . .

10. Always starts off by asking, “You ain’t Jewish, are ya?”

9. His “beard” consists of a dozen Styrofoam peanuts glued to his face.

1. He recently starred in film called “The Full Santy.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.