Capital Raises a Cup of Holiday Jeer

In Los Angeles, as in many places, Christmas is a time to put work aside, to gather loved ones about, to celebrate peace and prosperity, to give the poor receptionist at the front desk half a day off to do some shopping. Even if the weather doesn’t cooperate, even if there will never be any snow and the tree starts looking like a broom around the 22nd, there’s a good chance the season will prevail in Los Angeles.

Unfortunately for some of us, this is not Los Angeles--this is Washington, where the obsession with work is so pervasive they couldn’t make enough therapist couches to accommodate all the people in this town who need to get their priorities straight. Around here, even goodwill toward men melts like a snowball when it comes to political ambition.

“Christmas in Washington is no different than any other day or holiday. It represents opportunity,” one California congressional staffer grumbled as he hustled to get some work done while his boss is at home in California. “It’s another chance to take a stab at showcasing yourself and your politics in a different light--in this case, Christmas lights.”

The way it’s supposed to work, Congress finishes up all of its business sometime in October and everybody goes home for the holidays. In years past, you might recall, it hasn’t worked out that way.

In fact, Newt Gingrich has been House speaker for three Christmases, and this was the first time he had the chance to throw a little office party. His first year, Congress shut down the government and held up paychecks for thousands of federal workers, so munching little Santa cookies with eggnog at the Capitol would have appeared highly inappropriate. Last year he was in the middle of an ethics probe and evidently was in no mood to celebrate.

Indeed, one can’t help but conclude that if there is one thing Washington loves to do as much as celebrate Christmas, it’s ruin it.

*

To be fair, when the federal city gets it right, it really gets it right:

The White House is deliciously decorated with 23 trees, 486 feet of garland and 224 wreaths. The Blue Room tree is studded with 2,352 ornaments, including little Santa suits put together by designers like Oscar de la Renta and Tommy Hilfiger. Half the town turns out to watch the lighting of the National Christmas tree, and the Kennedy Center has a holiday program nightly, many of them free, one featuring a bunch of tubas playing Christmas carols.

To top it off, the president got that adorable little brown puppy with big feet that the whole country spent practically a week helping him name. (It’s Buddy, in case you hadn’t heard.) And the city was lightly dusted one morning with a snow that had the good grace to look stunning and then melt before causing anybody any pain.

But beneath the lovely trimmings lurks a town that is always angling, a place where a Christmas card is usually just another piece of campaign literature with a tree on it (which may be the reason Vice President Gore, who aspires to succeed his boss, sent out 200,000 of them paid for by the Democratic National Committee).

The White House throws 15 scrumptiously catered holiday parties--a lovely gesture, except the president scheduled a news conference two hours before the bash he was hosting for the White House news media, virtually assuring that none of the invitees would finish working in time to get so much as a stuffed lamb chop.

In the true spirit of the season, the reporters squawked like a pack of geese and Clinton postponed the news conference a day. This soothed the angry mob in time for the party, but only until they found time to complain that the Secret Service was nasty and the guest list so fouled up they had to wait up to two hours to get in. (It is said that CNN’s Larry King got plenty steamed and, to make things worse, kept mysteriously setting off the metal detector.)

The White House social secretary blamed the mess on party-crashers and late RSVP’s.

Merry Christmas.

*

Further proving that those invited to the executive mansion at the holiday season--roughly this town’s equivalent to getting into a great studio party--have no shame, Rep. John L. Mica (R-Fla.) showed up even though he has signed a resolution to impeach Clinton. He reportedly did not stand in line for a handshake or a photo op with the Prez, so what was he doing there, we wonder, scarfing the shrimp?

And at the Capitol, where a towering fir burns brightly on the west front, Rep. Dan Burton, the Indiana Republican who chairs the committee investigating alleged fund-raising abuses, held a round of December hearings in hopes of one day indicting some Democrats.

Happy Holidays.

The vice president seemed to be on the right track with a little soiree for the Secret Service. He asked the American University Singers to perform as the guests arrived, which would have made for a delightful setting except the singers somehow got herded into Gore’s garage and told to listen for the applause through the garage door. Worse, the vice president was apparently “tired” and couldn’t meet them personally, prompting the group’s student president to note: “If we had donated money instead of our time and effort we would have had no problem getting a picture with the vice president.”

Season’s Greetings.

It’s no wonder the California delegation high-tails it home as soon as they slam the gavel. There, Republican Brian Bilbray can surf the waters off San Diego, chatting with constituents while waiting to catch a good wave.

There, freshman Republican James Rogan can putter with his political memorabilia collection in the quiet of his Glendale garage and hope for the gift he wants most this year: “The receipt for the awful tie my staff gave me last year. . . .”

There, Democrats can pause to reflect on who was naughty (“Newt Gingrich”) and fantasize about the perfect gift for said Gingrich (“a retirement party”).

There, Republicans can ponder just the right present for the commander in chief (“a pooper scooper”).

Now that’s Christmas spirit.