Punch Lines

Jumpin’ Jack Flashback: Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards says he’s scared to death of cell phones, that he considers them dangerous. “Isn’t that amazing? The man is frightened by cell phones, but black-tar heroin is OK.” (Jay Leno)

Feliz Navidad, Comrade: Fidel Castro says Cuba will recognize Christmas for the first time since 1969. “Unfortunately, he also said if Santa enters Cuban airspace, they’ll shoot down his sleigh.” (Conan O’Brien)

Toupee or Not Toupee: The FDA OK’d a new pill to fight baldness. “It’s called the Chia Pill.” (Paul Ecker)

Lamb-ada: Scottish scientists cloned a sheep with a human gene. “The really scary part is it was Gene Shalit.” (Zack Taylor)

Before the Auto Club: A relative of explorer Meriwether Lewis wants his ancestor exhumed to investigate the circumstances of his death. “Historians aren’t sure what happened, but some believe Lewis and Clark frequently argued over the right way to fold a map.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Water Hazard: Evel Knievel broke his hip while playing golf. “He was attempting to jump his cart over 20 golf bags laid end to end.” (Bob Mills)

End Zone: The Dallas Cowboys’ five-year reign as NFC East champs ended disastrously this season. “But they still lead the league in time served.” (Mills)

Pro Bono: “Clinton’s new dog is really smart. As a joke, Clinton was pretending to throw a ball, and the dog wasn’t fooled. Not once. But Sonny Bono spent half an hour looking for that ball.” (Leno)

Jingle Jail: San Quentin inmates are selling a line of T-shirts. “The most popular are the ones for couples: ‘Lifer’ and ‘I’m With Lifer.’ ” (Alan Ray)

Organ Recital: Vice President Al Gore announced a plan to encourage organ donation after all signs of life cease. “Here’s my question: If Gore agrees to donate his own organs, how will they know when it’s OK to take them?” (Steve Voldseth)

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Reduced-Strength David Letterman:

Top 10 least popular Christmas carols . . .

10. Deck the halls with useless junk Martha Stewart made while drunk.

6. We’re beginning to get a little tired of hearing Ellen’s gay.

2. Hark! The Spice Girls just can’t sing. Soon they’ll work at Burger King.