Punch Lines

Around the Country: In New York, celebrities have agreed to lend their voices to warn taxi passengers of the dangers of not using seat belts. Says Joe Vogel, “The warning could save your life if you are the one in 8 million who get a taxi without a sticky back seat.”

Snowball, the pet rabbit who escaped from its cage in Ashland, Mass., was caught. For several days, it attacked and bit people. “It is the most angry bunny on record since Gloria Steinem.” (Jerry Perisho)

“Dennis Rodman began his professional wrestling career Sunday at a pay-per-view clash in Daytona, Fla.” says Argus Hamilton. “He says this autumn he will star in a Vietnam movie. Who’s he going to play? Agent Orange?”

McDonald’s had the biggest management shake-up in its history, which included the departure of three top executives. “It was pathetic how they did it--pink slips in their Happy Meals.” (Brian J. Hill)

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Our Government: House Speaker Newt Gingrich said his loss of 25 pounds was because of dieting, exercise and pills, including a stimulant. “Newt Gingrich needs a stimulant like Superman needs a fitness trainer.” (Hamilton)

The FBI has posted Elvis Presley’s file on the Internet, says Cutler On-Line Prep. “It seems Elvis fancied himself an informant, telling the feds the Beatles were responsible for many world problems. Turns out the screaming by Beatles fans ripped a hole in the ozone layer.”

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Martian Chronicles: According to the latest from the Mars probe, there is no life up there, which means Mars must have fen-phen too.” (Jay Leno)

“After hours of painstaking study, scientists have come up with a high-tech solution to prevent Sojourner from running into any more rocks--curb feelers.” (Earl Hochman)

JPL scientists weren’t thrilled when the rover drove into a rock on Mars, because there is a $500-million deductible on the insurance,” says Jenny Church.

The rover can travel at a speed of 2 feet per minute--”or roughly the speed Cecil Fielder travels on his way to first base.” (Perisho)

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People, People Who Hit People . . . Miss Canada lost her crown after being convicted of giving her ex’s new girlfriend two black eyes and a broken nose. Says Steve Voldseth, “I think it’s safe to say she had to give up that Miss Congeniality award as well.”

“You know what Mike Tyson calls a middleweight boxer? Lean Cuisine.” (Leno)

* “Tyson received $27 million for losing the fight. Who is he going to fight next? Mike Ovitz?” (Alex Kaseberg)

Reader Jane Farra’s 7-year-old granddaughter, Tracey, asked Farra how old she was. She replied “50-something.”

“Grandma,” said Tracey. “Don’t you know how old you are?”