This Camp Surely the Latest Rage

Kids! Welcome to the Dennis Scott Summer Basketball Camp!

I’m your counselor, Uncle Mike. As you all know, Dennis Scott is the 28-year-old basketball player for the NBA’s Orlando Magic who spoke so enthusiastically to a pack of Virginia children recently. Kids, each and every one of you will receive a complimentary Dennis Scott Summer Camp T-shirt, plus a copy of this videotape featuring Uncle Dennis’ speech to the Virginia campers, absolutely free. Let’s watch!

Lights!

“Don’t ask me for my autograph, because 28 years ago, I was broke. You ask for my autograph now because I’ve got millions of dollars. Do not ask me for my autograph. Ask me to explain the rage that exists inside me.”

OK, stop the tape!

Kids, were you listening? Pay attention now, because Uncle Dennis is trying to explain something very important to you. This can be a very valuable lesson to all of you, when you are older and have to go out there into the real world.

You see, Uncle Dennis’ three-year contract runs out after next season, and it’s worth only $9 million. Nine crummy million! That’s not even eight figures!

This is why your Uncle Dennis sounded so angry with the Orlando team, saying he might sit out the 1997-98 season if they “don’t start treating me right.”

Nine million dollars. Does everybody remember when Uncle Dennis’ best pal, Uncle Shaq, was here last summer? Nine million. Gee whiz, Uncle Shaq carried that much in his backpack, remember, kids?

Anyhow, on behalf of Uncle Dennis, I am here to answer any questions you may have. Anything you want to know about our summer camp here, I think I’m able to tell you what Uncle Dennis would say. Anything at all.

Skippy?

“Uncle Mike, are we going to have potato-sack races this summer?”

Don’t ask me about potato-sack races! Twenty years ago, Uncle Dennis was broke. You only ask about potato-sack races now because Uncle Dennis has got millions of dollars. He may not even be able to afford potato sacks this summer, unless Orlando comes up with more money.

Mary Jane?

“Uncle Mike, what time is swim class?”

Don’t ask me about swim class! Ask me to explain the rage that exists inside Uncle Dennis! What do you expect us to do, teach you to dog-paddle when Uncle Dennis isn’t being treated right by his NBA team? Forget swimming! Rage exists inside Uncle Dennis!

Pee Wee?

“Uncle Mike, I can’t come to basketball practice tonight. My parents won’t let me stay out after dark.”

Don’t ask for permission! You only ask now because your parents pay your allowance. Twenty years ago, they were broke! Did you ask for their permission then? No, you did not. You got to get mad, Pee Wee! Rage! Rage, against going out after the sun goes down! You just get your little butt to the gym, 9 p.m. sharp!

Jamaal?

“Uncle Mike, I can’t dribble this genuine Dennis Scott-autographed NBA basketball. It’s too big for my hand.”

Good! Express your rage! Don’t be giving me any of that, “Aw, this gwate big basketball is too big for my wittle bitty hand!” You speak up, Jamaal! Demand to be treated right, like Uncle Dennis did! Rage against the basketball being too big! And by the way, that isn’t really Uncle Dennis’ autograph. A ball boy signed it.

Any other questions?

No?

Well, I see some of you are trembling, so it must be getting cold.

Let’s look at today’s schedule, and then you can all leave and go back to your bunks, OK?

OK. This morning at 11:30, I want all of you to come to Uncle Mike’s tent, where I will hand out crayons and posters. We can begin to draw those “ORLANDO UNFAIR TO DENNIS” and “SHOW HIM THE MONEY” signs, the ones we will carry next week down to Walt Disney World. Sound like fun?

At noon, in the mess hall, we will be serving Sloppy Joes. If there is any rage inside you about Sloppy Joes, keep it to yourself. You want better chow, pack a lunch.

Finally, at 1 o’clock, Uncle Dennis himself will be here. I know some of you still want autographs. Do yourself a favor, kids. Don’t ask.

* SCOTT APOLOGIZES. C7