Punch Lines

In Show Biz: City National Bank filed suit against Michael Jackson for the money he owes on a $1.5-million loan. Says Jenny Church, “If he doesn’t fork over the $861,891 that is due, the bank will foreclose on his nose.”

The actor who plays Barney is on the mend after a faulty cooling fan started a fire inside his 60-pound purple dinosaur costume. “The good news is the actor is OK. The bad news is, so is the costume.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

“CNN’s ‘Burden of Proof’ got triple its normal audience for Monday’s hourlong interview with O.J. Simpson,” says the Daily Scoop. “It was part of CNN’s effort to move away from reality programming.”

ASCAP has agreed to let children at summer camps sing copyrighted songs around the campfire for a $1 fee per year per camp. “The composer of ‘Greasy, Grimy Gopher Guts’ is apparently outraged, and suing for more royalties.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

Morgan Creek Productions is working on “Exorcist: The Beginning,” a prequel to the 1970s horror film. “What is it? Satan, the early years?” (Daily Scoop)

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Weather Bulletin: “There was a code red smog alert in Washington, D.C. The alert resulted from all the heat and humidity and smoke and mirrors.” (Daily Scoop)

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Medical Beat: “The commander of the Russian space station Mir has developed an irregular heartbeat,” says Jay Leno. “They say they know what’s causing it. Yeah, I think I know what’s causing it too. His spaceship has a hole in it. Hello!”

“Surgeons have high hopes for a procedure that removes up to 40% of a severely enlarged heart,” says Brian J. Hill. “However, one of the side effects is you automatically become a Republican.”

A federal advisory panel says Extra Strength Excedrin may be advertised as the first over-the-counter medication for migraine. “If the headache doesn’t get you, the inevitable barrage of advertising will,” says Johnny Robish.

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Fall Preview: NFL training camps are opening. “For the young rookie, getting a check is quite an adjustment. In college, they were usually paid in cash.” (Alan Ray)

“It’s time for new Cowboys to meet their teammates, their coaches, the team’s bail bondsmen.” (Daily Scoop)

Reader Julie Brown took her 4-year-old son, Sammy, to the park to play on a recent hot day. When he wanted to go on the metal slide, she explained to him that the sun was shining on it and it would burn his legs.

“No it won’t,” Sammy said, “because I’ll be sitting on your lap.”