Jury Dooty, Daybydy
Each word is taken from the vanity plate master list issued by the DMV*
MONDAE: NOEWAY WILLI EVR BBE
!CHOZEN2 SITON DIS JURHEE!
LAWYERS WANT EZ2 MNIPUL8 ZOMBOID
PEEPLE, NOTMEEE. IM2 BRAINEE.
*
2SDAE: SWORN INNNN.
*
WENZDAY: ZE PLAINTF CLAIMS DATZ
FONE KOMPENI DDID (ONPRPS) DSTROY HIZZ BIZNIS: AYOUNG BUT GROWING
DIALA STRIPPR OUTFITT. B4 ZAT HE
UZED 2TEEECH WELDING ATTA
COMUNTY KOLLEGE. HEWILL
ASKFOR AMILYN PLUS. YOWEEE!
*
THURS: ISEE DUH PLNTIF ATTRNY
DEKDOUT INNN UMUNGUS GOLDN
CHAINES; IWATCH HIM SMIRK ALLZTYM.
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EECHDAY DAJUDG WARNS US AGAINST
FORMING AN OPINION B4THEEND OF
THECASE. OOBOI, DATIS VRYHARD.
*
FRIDAI: ZWIFE OFD 4MR WELDIN
NSTRKTR DUZ TAKE DA STAND.
NICELDY. “IMUPSET,’ SHESEZ. “IBLEV
SUMONE OVADER DIDDID INTEND 4US2
GOUNDR. WENEVER IDID ASK4HLP, ZEE
HARTLES BIGBIZZ DYD IGNORME.’
*
ICANRL8! MAYBEE THEY DO HAVEA KASE
IPROMIS TU KEEP ANNNN OPNMYND.
*
WEEK TTWO, MONDAY: THE DEFENZ
ATTY DUZ KROSS EXAMIN THEWIFE.
SHEGOZ ON LYKE PRYMASN:
“UND ISNTIT TROO, MRS. HOOZIT,
YOUUU USED2 WERK ASA
HOOKER IN NUJOIZY?’
*
DIDI HEAR RYT? AA CORPR8 LAWYAH
ACCUSED SOM1 UV BEING
AAAA HOOKR?
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TOOZDAY: DAJUDGE IZ AGROUCH,
EACHE ATTRNEY IS EGOTRPN, EVERY
WITNESS AMUTANT. IVHADIT!
THURSDY: PHYNELY, OURRR VERDICT:
SOOO UARE AAA NISPRSN. ANDYES, DAA
PHONECO CANACT NDIFRNT, EVEN
CLDHRTD. STILLL, UGOTTA PAYE
YUR BILLLS. NO MONY4U! NEXKASE?
* For translation of PL8SPK, please see page 30
(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)
(Page 30 translation of PL8SPK)
Jury Duty, Day By Day
Monday: No way will I ever be chosen to sit on this jury! Lawyers want easy-to-manipulate zomboid people, not me. I’m too brainy.
Tuesday: Sworn in.
Wednesday: The plaintiff claims that the phone company did (on purpose) destroy his business: a young but growing dial-a-stripper outfit. Before that he used to teach welding at a community college. He will ask for a million plus. Yowee!
Thursday: I see the plaintiff attorney decked out in humongous golden chains; I watch him smirk all the time. Each day the judge warns us against forming an opinion before the end of the case. Oh boy, that is very hard.
Friday: The wife of the former welding instructor does take the stand. Nice lady. “I’m upset,’ she says. “I believe someone over there did intend for us to go under. Whenever I did ask for help, the heartless big business did ignore me.’ I can relate! Maybe they do have a case. I promise to keep an open mind.
Week Two, Monday: The defense attorney does cross-examine the wife. She goes on like Perry Mason: “And isn’t it true, Mrs. Whozit, you used to work as a hooker in New Jersey?’ Did I hear right? A corporate lawyer accused someone of being a hooker?
Tuesday: The judge is a grouch, each attorney is ego tripping, every witness a mutant. I’ve had it.
Thursday: Finally, our verdict: So you are a nice person. And, yes, the phone company can act indifferent, even coldhearted. Still, you gotta pay your bills. No money for you. Next case!