PUNCHLINES

Newt Coup: “A failed plot by top Republican House members to oust Newt Gingrich is revealed,” says Bob Mills. “Some subtle signs Newt’s days are still numbered--colleagues have recommended he go on the fen-phen diet. Connie Chung no longer returns his mother’s calls. Bob Dole wants his money back.”

* The GOP leaders who attempted the coup think Newt is too liberal, says Argus Hamilton. “When Newt lost 25 pounds, conservatives accused him of using the Jane Fonda workout tape.”

* One of the GOP rebels, Bill Paxton, was reportedly forced out of the House leadership position he resigned. “Messing with Newt is like messing with Clint Eastwood,” explains the Cutler Daily Scoop. “If you shoot, you better make sure it’s fatal.”

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Drug Alert: Food and Drug Administration advisors are recommending that a stronger version of Rogaine hit the market. But there is some controversy over the labeling. Apparently, the new product is called Chia Hair. (Brian J. Hill)

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Names in the News: Sylvester Stallone’s next film is about international auto racing. “He’s already written his dialogue--’Yo, Vroom.’ ” (Bill Williams)

“Real estate agents say O.J. Simpson’s house is structurally sound,” says Craig Kilborn. “However, they warn buyers it’s hard to hear the doorbell from the shower.”

Web browsers can watch Kevin Costner making his new movie, “The Postman,” on the Internet. “What a good idea. Maybe by showing how boring it is to make a movie, fewer people will try.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

“Coming up next month in Martha Stewart Living: how to create garden mulch from unauthorized biographies.” (Kilborn)

Hunter Thompson was excused from jury duty in the drunk-driving case of John Denver. “Court TV is disappointed,” says Hamilton. “This would have been the funniest scene since Ted Kennedy sat in judgment of Clarence Thomas.”

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Communications Industry: AT&T; fires President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked “intellectual leadership.” He got a $26-million severance package. “Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking the intelligence.” (Johnny Robish)

Reader Charles Jenner of Los Alamitos and his 5-year-old grandson, Trevor, were looking at a pictorial history of the Allied invasion of Europe. Trevor said that when he grows up, he would like to be a soldier.

“But,” he said, “if there was a lot of fighting, I would ask the general if I could go home.”