PUNCHLINES

People in the News: “House Speaker Newt Gingrich is reeling from the attempted coup that nearly took his job last week,” says Argus Hamilton. “The House is very jumpy now. Yesterday, a GOP member made a motion for a less powerful air bag, and Majority Leader Dick Armey got 65 votes.”

“Super-tenor Luciano Pavarotti says he can’t read music,” says Jerry Perisho. “He further shocked the music world by revealing that Placido Domingo and Jose Carreras are really Milli Vanilli.”

Queen Elizabeth is reported to be an avid Net surfer, says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “She’s even got her own broken-home page.”

“President Clinton has announced his plans for expanding a firearms-tracing program in cities, despite the objections of the NRA, which is content with the current body-tracing program.” (Joe Vogel)

The Miss America pageant announced Regis Philbin and Kathie Lee Gifford will not host the program this year. “Thank goodness,” says Hamilton. “Last year, when Kathie Lee started singing, my canary threw itself to the cat.”

“The Army announced today that Sgt. Major Gene C. McKinney has now been charged with every crime ever committed.” (Johnny Robish)

*

Ouch: “The University of Notre Dame plans to refurbish the 24-karat gold dome of its administration building,” says Perisho. “They have two choices--raise $50 million or melt down all the trophies they awarded themselves for victories over USC.”

*

Auto World: “De-powered air bags will be installed in 1998 cars to decrease the chance of being injured by the bag in a collision,” says Michael Feldman. “In case of an accident, a balloon pops out and you have to blow it up really quick.”

Disney World announced plans to open a new ride modeled after an automobile test track. Riders sit in a six-passenger vehicle that takes them over a track filled with bumps, ruts and potholes. “Most theme parks already have a ride like that,” says Steve Voldseth: “the parking lot.”

* “Before the new ride is over, there’s a 25 mph crash that’s so realistic, when the ride is over there’s a lawyer waiting to talk to you.” (Voldseth)

*

Jobs Corner: “The Santa Clara County Cannabis Club announced it is looking for an experienced marijuana grower who meets government requirements,” says Jay Leno. “They want to grow marijuana for the government. How do you prove you’re qualified for the job? Show up late covered in Chee-tos dust? How does that work? Fall asleep? ‘Willie Nelson and Keith Richards are my references?’ ”

*

Readers Joan and David Krigstein took their daughter, Kelsey, to Sunday morning polo matches at Will Rogers Park last summer. This year, Kelsey, 6, asked to go again:

“Can we go back to the place where we watched the horses play croquet?”