Punch Lines

Newt News: GOP congressional members met behind closed doors in the Capitol. “Newt was very merciful to the coup plotters,” says Argus Hamilton. “Dick Armey is going to really enjoy chairing the agriculture subcommittee on fertilizer purity.”

* “If the Republicans really want to get rid of Gingrich, they should just do it like they did before. Run him for president.” (Camille Brewster)

* “Newt said, ‘We’re talking together and clearing the air.’ That’s as close as Republicans get to environmental protection.” (Stan Kaplan)

*

Business Beat: “TWA will cut 1,000 jobs this year,” says Alan Ray. “Look for money-saving strategies as well. Starting Sept. 1, the beverage service will be BYOB.”

Actor Clint Eastwood has a new beer on the market called Pale Rider Ale, says Paul Ecker. “It goes well with any type of meal, but especially spaghetti western.”

“Weather forecasters are predicting the wettest winter in years,” says Russ Meyers. “They factored in the projected tears from the ‘Titanic’ movie investors.”

*

In the Movies: In “Contact” we earthlings build a transport ship from plans we get from outer space, says Jay Leno. “That’s not really believable to me. How many people can put together a bookshelf they bought at Ikea? Good luck with instructions written by aliens from the planet Voltar.”

“In ‘Air Force One,’ Harrison Ford plays a president who battles terrorists in midair. He is a Clinton-like president. He not only disarms the terrorists, but also forces them to contribute $500,000 to the Democratic Party.” (Brewster)

* “Harrison Ford is the first president to do his own stunts on Air Force One, unless you count Gerald Ford.” (Brewster)

Director Sam Weisman paid tribute to Barbra Streisand in “George of the Jungle” with a few bars of “Don’t Rain on My Parade.” He said, “In New York, they’ll laugh. Nobody in L.A. will get it.” Mark Wheeler comments, “Correction: Nobody in L.A. cares to see it.”

*

New in Medicine: Santa Clara County advertised for someone to grow legal marijuana prescriptible by doctors in California. “It can save many lives,” Hamilton explains. “There’s a growing consensus that baby boomers minus pot equals road rage.”

Reader Daniel Mont’s 7-year-old grandson, Matthew, was taking summer courses for kids at Cal State Northridge. When Mont asked 4-year-old Haley where her brother was, she said he was in college studying. “Do you mean that your brother is so smart that he skipped all the way from second grade to college?” Mont asked her.

“No,” Haley said. “We drive him.”