Laugh Lines

* “President Clinton addressed 1,500 gays and lesbians at a black-tie dinner hosted by the Human Rights Commission,” says Bob Mills. “The president announced his new policy on gays in the military: Don’t ask, don’t tell Jesse Helms.”

* Thanksgiving is coming. “With the St. Louis Rams 2-8 and the Oakland Raiders 3-7, this is a great time of year for the people of Los Angeles to give thanks.” (Paul Ecker)

* Porn star Dalny Marga Valdes has filed a discrimination complaint claiming she was wrongfully barred from membership in the Screen Actors Guild. “ ‘The ability to act is a must,’ explained guild admissions chairman Jean-Claude Van Damme.” (Mills)