A Bold, New Scent for Elk Hunters

Soon, hooked by the promise of “a fragrance that evokes an exhilarating quest led by the imagination and guided by the soul,” I will try to smell like Avatar, a brand new men’s cologne.

Right now, because I live in Colorado and am intrigued by such phrases as “big freezer” and “full of game meat,” I will try to smell like an elk.

But soon--given the slim chance that I can raise $26.50--I’m going to do that Avatar thing. I learned about Avatar (“the fantasy is what elicits the reality”) from a press kit mailed to me by an Avatar account executive at a public relations firm in L.A.

Sending it to me, of all people, had to be a mistake. I don’t know the person who sent it, but if I worked in public relations, I would have to characterize this person as one “brimming with a joyous passion for life and the unbridled hope of a secret rendezvous with worldly adventure, and who probably ought to start looking for a job soon.”

In the press release, we learn that the bold, exotic new fragrance (“the ultimate compliment [sic] to a man secure in his own identity and in control of his destiny”) soon will be available in “drugstores and mass retail outlets nationwide, including Sears and JCPenney.”

(Warning: If shopping for this exciting new cologne at any of the fine Sears stores, be sure not to wander out of the Men’s Fragrances department. Otherwise, instead of smelling like “a man secure in his own identity and in control of his destiny,” you could end up smelling like “a man covered with Briggs & Stratton Heavy Duty Weed-Whacker Oil.”

(A final note before we wade back into that finely worded press release with a machete: The $26.50 I mentioned is for 3.4 ounces of cologne spray. A single ounce in a non-spray bottle costs $15. If $15 is too steep and you still want something to put down your shirt that will provide “a very daring and adventuresome moment,” I would suggest a field mouse.)

Here now are more actual words about this breathtaking new men’s cologne:

“Avatar is the fragrance for a man whose goal is to excel at living.”

Of course, not every man’s goal is to excel at living. For example, if you are like me--the type of man whose goal is find out “which one of the $%&*! kids pulled the ladder away when I was stepping off the roof”--Avatar may not be for you.

Avatar is, however, for “a man who is confident, who boldly tests the waters and expands his realm of experience.”

That puts me back in the running for some Avatar, because ironically enough, just three weeks ago I “boldly tested the waters,” although my wife still insists on calling it “falling out of the boat.”

Further, we are told, “the Avatar man is perpetually embarking on journeys of personal and professional fulfillment . . . to cosmopolitan cityscapes and exotic locales.”

I don’t know if the journey I embarked on last Saturday--driving my Ford Pinto about 14 blocks to pick up a seven-piece sectional sofa and love seat for $89.99 and returning home with all of it strapped to the roof--technically qualifies me as an Avatar man.

I do know, however, that it qualifies me as a man who must report to Municipal Court on Nov. 25 to answer charges of reckless driving, operating an unsafe vehicle and impeding the flow of traffic.

By now, you must be wondering what this Avatar stuff smells like. Well, let the public relations people have a whack at it:

“It is a fresh aromatic fougere.”

The word is French and means “Jean Pierre has a frog in his ear.”

And let’s not miss this passage: “The body of the composition consists of Bulgari rose, jasmine and geranium.”

I personally can attest to the aphrodisiac qualities of the geranium, having given one to my senior prom date as a corsage that she attached to her gown. (As I recall, during the slow dances, the giant clay pot kept digging into my ribs.)

But here’s the line that really caught my eye:

“Fresh bergamot and lavandin are blended with fruity accents of pineapple and inflections of hedione and muguet, laced by a spicy accord of juniper berries, genievre, coriander and clove.”

It made me think that perhaps I should splash some of this stuff all over me when I head into the wilderness next week. And shoot the elk while he’s biting me.