It’s About a Dictator With a Heart of Gold . . .

News item: President Clinton, on a fund-raising trip to Hollywood, spends the night at DreamWorks mogul Jeffrey Katzenberg’s Malibu home. . .

News item: Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, visiting Los Angeles, is overheard telling action star Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I’ve seen all your movies. Maybe I should act like that.” . . .

News item: Kevin Costner reveals that Princess Diana was considering starring in a sequel to “The Bodyguard” written expressly with her in mind. . . .

“Saddam? This is Jeffrey. . . . Yeah, shalom to you too. Listen, babe. Great news. I had the prez up late and it looks like we can green-light this puppy. We’re talking major geopolitical convergence here. Everything’s falling into place. Kevin’s on board and now that ‘Amistad’ is hung up in the courts, Steven is eager to direct. . . .

“Yeah, that’s right. Blockbuster city. Sort of like that script we sent you, ‘cept with you in the Diana role and now Kevin’s an ex-CIA agent who’s gone bad and is working for you in Baghdad. We’ve got Arnold to play the crazed Mossad agent trying to terminate you. . . . Yeah, Netanyahu wanted the role, but he’s settling for a cameo. . . .

“No, don’t worry, you don’t have to fall in love with Costner. We’ve got Tarantino and Kissinger doctoring the script. ‘Schindler’ was great, but this will be better--history as it happens!

“So anyway, the prez says if you’re in, he’s in. Not only will we have a sure-fire Oscar contender out before Christmas, but we’ll avoid World War III. . . .

“The plot? Torn from today’s headlines, naturally. Saddam Hussein--that’s you--is the world’s biggest, baddest villain. You thumb your nose at the U.N. and the prez by threatening to shoot down U-2 spy planes. Bill vows massive retaliation. So, of course, you deploy innocent women and children as human shields and threaten to unleash your biological arsenal.

“So people the world over say, ‘Why don’t we just kill the creep?’ Not that I think you’re a creep, babe--that’s just how the story goes.

“That’s where Arnold, as Mr. Mossad, comes in. The character’s brilliant but a maverick--a psycho with a death wish. He thinks offing you is such a good idea that he ignores orders not to.

“See, the problem is, if Arnold bumps you off, Israel gets the blame and there’ll be hell to pay. So Netanyahu has to dispatch the Mossad to kill him before he kills you.

“But of course, Arnold wipes them out. Meanwhile, the prez approves plans to kill both Arnold and you. But the assassins he dispatches get wiped out too, by Arnold and Kevin. So now it’s mano a mano--the Master Terminator versus the Bodyguard Supreme. Or so it seems . . .

“Because meanwhile--get this--there’s been some back-channel negotiating going on between the prez and Kevin. Seems they were best friends at Yale until Bill stole Hillary away, and Kevin’s never gotten over it. See, a broken heart drove your bodyguard to join the CIA in the first place. And when Bill became president, the bodyguard defected.

“Well, world peace is at stake, so Hillary is hidden under Islamic veils and dispatched to work her charms. She reminds Kevin that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. She tells Kevin she’ll leave Bill for him if he kills Saddam. But Kevin lives the code of the bodyguard. He won’t kill you.

“Saddam, you realize the pressure’s on anyway from America and that one way or another, you’re gonna wind up dead. You don’t want that to happen. So Kevin brings in the world’s top plastic surgeon and--

“No, you don’t get Arnold’s face. It’s better than that. You get Costner’s face, he gets Arnold’s and Arnold gets yours! Not a bad trade.

“So the bodyguard sneaks you out of the country. Meanwhile, Arnold, pretending he’s you, takes down the human shields but orders the U-2 shot down.

“So then America drops a smart bomb on him and everybody thinks Saddam is history. Little do they know you really look like Kevin Costner and you’re living the good life in the South of France, or Aruba--or right here in Malibu!

“Anyway, that’s the plot, basically. Sounds complicated, but it really isn’t. Kind of a ‘Bodyguard’ meets ‘Mission: Impossible’ meets ‘Casablanca’ meets ‘Face/Off.’ And you live happily ever after. . . .

“The working title? ‘Smart Bomb.’ . . . Yeah, I like it too. So are you in? . . . . . . What’s that? You have some requests? . . .

“You want Pamela Anderson Lee as your love interest? Without a veil? No problema. And we’d all be delighted to hear your ideas for punching up the dialogue.

“What? What you really want to do is direct? Well, gee, we’ve already got Steven and he’s the best. Tell you what: Just say yes to this one and I’m sure we can work out a development deal for the future. . . .

“Now, Saddam, don’t get angry. Please calm down. . . . What do you mean from now on I should talk to your agent?

“Who’s representing you? . . .

“Ovitz! . . . Dammit, Saddam, I told you: I refuse to negotiate with terrorists.”

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Scott Harris’ column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Readers may write to him at The Times’ Valley Edition, 20000 Prairie St., Chatsworth 91311, or via e-mail at scott.harris@latimes.com Please include a phone number.