Must Strong Men Be Such a Threat?

It was the most satisfying weekend I’d spent in a long time--three days in seclusion with a hundred of the country’s most progressive women journalists.

We talked about our jobs, our families, our role in society. We applauded each other’s successes, supported each other’s dreams, strengthened each other’s resolve.

When I returned from the recent Journalism and Women Symposium (JAWS), it was with renewed vigor and a revitalized spirit. Drawing strength from those women, I’d glimpsed a vision of myself as a better mother, a smarter journalist, a more conscientious citizen.

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Next year will be the 150th anniversary of this country’s women’s rights movement, which was launched at an 1848 convention in New York, convened by women demanding the right to vote and protesting men’s “tyranny” over their wives.

It would take another 70 years for Congress to grant women the vote . . . and some might say we’re still waiting to be freed from tyrannical husbands.

So I know why it felt like such an affront when a half million men gathered at the nation’s capital last weekend--no women invited--to assert themselves as the spiritual leaders of their families, churches and communities.

And I understand why the National Organization for Women felt compelled to denounce Promise Keepers--the evangelical Christian group that sponsored the rally--as a “danger to women’s rights.” Its leaders have been outspoken opponents of abortion rights and equality for homosexuals, and its progenitor is the arch-conservative Christian Right.

But this gathering--like the Million Man March before it--represents a movement that has transcended the politics and personalities of its leaders.

Just as I don’t have to agree with everything NOW President Patricia Ireland says to stand firmly behind NOW’s efforts to secure and protect women’s rights, you don’t have to buy the nasty rhetoric of Nation of Islam Minister Louis Farrakhan or the retro thinking of Promise Keepers guru Bill McCartney to applaud the efforts of a million men rededicating themselves to their families and communities.

It is wrong--and shortsighted, I think--for us as women to turn our backs on these men, to dismiss their promise to become better partners, fathers and citizens as merely an effort to drag us back to the cave by our hair.

They are our husbands, brothers, fathers and sons. Can’t we trust them enough to leave them to their weekend search for inner healing, without believing they’re secretly plotting our overthrow?

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In the past week, I’ve heard among my friends the same sort of disdain that I heard from men lambasting the feminist movement years ago. How is it that now we seem to echo their fears, suspicious that a step forward for one group means a push backward for the other.

Must strong men be a threat to strong women? Or can we, instead, stand together to build stronger families and more nurturing communities?

Like many women of my generation, I’ve spent more energy than I have trying to do it all, have it all, be it all. And I’m more than ready for men to step up and become full partners.

I don’t know how their promises will play out in their lives--among them pledges to build strong families through “love, protection and biblical values,” to reach beyond racial and religious barriers, and to practice “spiritual, moral, ethical and sexual purity.”

But I’m betting if they can keep just this one, we’ll all be better off: “Pursue vital relationships with a few other men, understanding that he needs brothers to help him keep his promises.”

Just as I found strength in sisterhood during my weekend women’s retreat, and draw on my women friends to get me through the big and little crises of each day, I hope the Promise Keepers and Million Man Marchers can learn to look to other men for more than just conversation about sports, the weather and the stock market’s ups and downs.

Too few men, it seems, have male friends with whom they can talk about their problems, confess their insecurities, explore how to make their way in this hostile and demanding world.

Just maybe this isn’t a backlash to the women’s movement at all. Maybe they’ve learned something from us, after all.

If that’s part of what Promise Keepers is about, let’s encourage them and get out of their way. Let them make it through that thicket of emotion however they can, because they’re bound to be more humble and more helpful when they emerge on the other side.

Let’s respect them for that, and then get on with the real work that needs to be done--work that can best be done by men and women standing shoulder to shoulder, with shared commitments and vision and goals.