Little-Known Hang-Ups With Cell Phones

Brent Basinger of Alta Loma found a cellular phone pamphlet with a warning he figures “must be aimed at L.A. drivers.” It reminds motorists who have those electronic ear appendages that 911 calls are “to report life-threatening emergencies” and asks them not to call that number from their cars for:

1. Weather reports

2. Road conditions

3. Directions

4. Phone numbers

5. Theater/movie times

6. Cat stuck in a tree

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: It’s time for this week’s Only in L.A. Dining Guide, the one that has provoked so much comment in restaurant circles (usually along the lines of “Huh?”).

Anyway, Richard Sakai of Culver City contributed a “Rock God Fillet” menu item--Rack of Mick Jagger perhaps?--while an anonymous reader found what sounds like some offbeat cuisine in Northridge. And, finally, Doug Schmiedt of Lancaster snapped a sign that seems to offer a meaty brew, though he added it’s a “wonderful wine” (see accompanying).

WEDDING PLATES: Natalie M. of Montebello spotted a “beautiful, late-model Lexus” with a license plate that proclaimed, WIFENO1. That inspired me to check the Web site of the DMV, where I found some other vanity plates that suggest (one or more) matrimonial experiences:

* WIFE1

* WIFEY

* EXWIFEY

* WIFE2

* 3RDWIFE

* XWIFE3

* WIFENO4

* 4EXWIFE

* 5THWIFE

And, speaking of multiple marriages, I also found this plate:

* ZSAZSAS

LASSIE--WE HARDLY KNEW YE! That Taco Bell chihuahua is getting a lot of publicity these days. Too bad he doesn’t realize that all celebrities sacrifice their privacy sooner or later. Consider these shocking revelations about Lassie in “The TV Guide Book of Lists”:’

* Lassie--a.k.a. “Good Girl!”--has always been portrayed by males.

* The first Lassie was abandoned by his original owners for chasing motorcycles.

* MGM mogul Louis B. Mayer “posted a sign on the lot permitting Lassie to lift his leg anywhere he pleased.”

* Actors “who auditioned for a role on ‘Lassie’ were only hired if Lassie liked them.”

* Lassie V, “who starred during the syndicated years (1971-74), refused to perform if his trainer was late with his morning doughnut.”

Sounds like Lassie V would have made a good police dog.

LATE-NIGHT TRADE-IN: L.A. County sheriff’s deputies arrested a bar patron in Paramount for drunk driving and impounded his car. The next day, he went to retrieve his white Ford but there was no record of it.

At the same time, another bar patron reported his yellow Cadillac being stolen. After “some Keystone Kops confusion,” it was determined that the Ford owner “had apparently been so inebriated he didn’t realize he’d driven away in the wrong car,” according to City Talk, Paramount’s witty newsletter. “He was arrested again for taking a car without the owner’s permission and deputies drove him back to jail.”

On the way, the deputies passed the suspect’s bar. And there the Ford sat, faithfully waiting for its master.

How was he allegedly able to start up the Cadillac? He couldn’t remember.

miscelLAny:

The Belmont Heights Animal Hospital in Long Beach offers a “bonus membership plan” that includes “free appetizer or dessert” at a nearby restaurant. We know what Lassie would want.