Off-Kilter
Alarming Trends Department: We always feel like we’re on a slalom course when we walk through department stores, weaving around those Stepford clerks who want to spritz you with perfume or cologne the second you enter their radar. But lately we’ve started to fear for our life because some of the new scents sound like Love Canal in a bottle.
For example, Donna Karan has added whiffs of gasoline and tobacco to her men’s cologne. And New York magazine reports that Demeter is selling scents with such names as Earthworm, Dirt and Gin & Tonic.
Other new fragrances include--seriously--Clean Wet Laundry (we don’t know if there’s a version with fabric softener), Cut Grass, Cake Batter, Head Shop (perhaps this one should come in a bong-shaped atomizer), Fluffy Pillows (how about a hotel version with a whiff of chocolate mint on the top?) and Soda Pop Fizz.
If you don’t choke on those fumes, you can then head to the cosmetics counter for such fingernail polishes as Asphyxia, Slut, Trailer Trash and Gangrene. Or you can try a more spiritual approach. For instance, a company called Tony & Tina markets a nail-polish remover that serves as a “meditative tool” (and it works especially well if you’re wearing the company’s new “antidepressant lipstick”). Or, if that sounds too New Agey, there’s a Christian company that sells a balm called Fragrance of Jesus.
Going Postal: We are continually amazed at the bravery of our readers, who actually send us mail despite the risk of being held up to ridicule in future columns. The latest comments and criticisms:
* Eric Wilson of Santa Monica wrote about our item on a Wall Street Journal story that began “Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.” Maybe not, he said, but plagiarism hasn’t changed much. The Journal’s phrase is also the title of actress Simone Signoret’s 1977 autobiography. (And she probably swiped it too.)
* Our recent discussion of the mysteries of invisibility prompted a Balboa Island reader to ask two questions: If an invisible person is eating, how and when does the food being ingested also become invisible? Secondly, if an invisible woman is pregnant, can the baby be seen in the womb or only during birth? Well, these are the kinds of questions that philosophers have wrestled with for centuries. OK, actually, they’re the kinds of questions that newspaper columnists have wrestled with for a week. But we just don’t have the answers. We also aren’t sure if other people can smell an invisible woman’s Earthworm perfume or see her antidepressant lipstick.
* Kimberly Watters took us to task for vowing, if elected governor, to “permit ushers to shoot on sight any concert-goer who remains standing when everyone else sits down” (unless the standee also happens to be invisible). Watters contends that “the boring and lazy people who sit on their fat butts at concerts instead of getting into the music by dancing should stay home.”
* Someone who identified him- /her- /itself as Pip Craighead said we should select ourselves as Loser of the Week for being “obsessed with supermarket tabloid stories, pointless factoids and stuff even Howard Stern would shrug off as too lowbrow.” We’re honored, Pipsqueak. However, our favorite insult came from Bob Kowalski, who said our report on Parker Brothers’ Monopoly proved that our brain is “two tokens short of a full game board.”
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Great Recipes From Beyond the Grave! Michigan Gal Uses Ouija Board to Get Delicious Dishes From Dead Chefs!” (Weekly World News)
* Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.
Unpaid Informants: Lorri Block, Washington Post, Valerie Marz, Allison Joyce
