Off-Kilter

Church Costume Change Department: The Salvation Army’s British branch is seeking a fashion designer to update its traditional blue-and-red brass-buttoned uniforms, according to London’s Daily Telegraph. The new wardrobe might feature baseball caps, sweatshirts and jeans emblazoned with the charity’s famous red shield logo, a spokesman said.

Off-Kilter would prefer to see the army adopt a Hawaiian theme, or perhaps something multicultural like the Village People, which could come in handy for an overhaul of the organization’s brass bands. According to the Telegraph, Salvation Army bands will now include guitars, drums and synthesizers to produce a “modern, upbeat” sound.

Vampire Politicians Department: Al Lewis, who played Grandpa on “The Munsters,” is running for governor of New York on the Green Party ticket. The 88-year-old actor, who also portrayed Officer Schnauzer on the 1960s TV show “Car 54, Where Are You?,” says the Empire state is in “rotten condition,” according to Newsday.

Scarecrows for the ‘90s: Plastic pink flamingos once ruled the roost of the fake bird kingdom. But now another winged creature is in power--the ubiquitous plastic owl. In La Jolla last weekend, we spotted phony owls perched on rooftops all over town.

With their glowing plastic eyes, the pseudo-owls are supposed to scare sea gulls, pigeons and other birds into flying elsewhere for potty breaks. Fake owls have also been assigned to scarecrow duty at numerous schools, offices and even the stadium of the Texas Rangers.

This got us to thinking about what it would take to scare off unwanted humans. For example, maybe camera-shy celebrities could attach little plastic Richard Simmons dolls to their shoulders and limousines to ward off paparazzi and groupies. Top-secret military installations could deter visitors with life-size gargoyles shaped like street-corner preachers, O.J. Simpson’s legal team, the Spice Girls or Pauly Shore. Or they could just put up fake movie theater marquees that advertise “Godzilla” and “Waterworld.”

Quote of the Day: From movie star Cameron Diaz, in an interview with Jane magazine: “I hate people. I think they suck. And when I say that, I count myself. I haven’t done anything drastic to change the world. I mean, yes, I recycle, I do the things that everybody does. But I haven’t tackled anything major, environmentally and educationally.”

Reverse Pinocchio Department: With a mixture of horror and fascination, we have been listening to KLOS-FM’s Mark and Brian for the last two days as they discuss the possibility that pop star Michael Jackson no longer has a nose. The chatter started after a woman phoned in and said she’d seen a noseless Jackson on an airplane. After that, several doctors called the station to say that plastic surgery can sometimes stretch the skin so tightly that blood circulation is hampered and the skin dies. If that happens, the patient can lose his or her schnoz and be forced to wear a prosthetic nose. This might also explain why Jackson has been wearing surgical masks in public.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “New Fad in Funerals: Strippers Dance Naked Around Coffin! Steamy Bump-and-Grind Services Are a Big Hit, Says Undertaker” (Weekly World News)

*

Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.

Unpaid Informants: John Wilcock, the Week, Valerie Marz, Ann Harrison