Salad Days in the Great State of Boredom

Every time I try to tell somebody from someplace else that California isn’t as goofy a state as everybody thinks, something happens to screw up my whole case.

Take the news story that ran coast to coast last week with a Sacramento dateline.

“Gov. Pete Wilson,” it began, “rode to the rescue of Caesar salad lovers, signing legislation allowing restaurants to serve the salads with raw eggs in the dressing, if the diner doesn’t object.”

Stop the presses.

I don’t know what the governors of the other 49 states were doing last week, but ours was riding to the rescue of Caesar salad lovers.

And then came a second story, out of San Francisco.

“San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown,” it reported, “announced Monday that he would preside over the creation of the world’s largest Caesar salad, celebrating the end of state regulations which briefly made it illegal to serve the traditional dish.”

I don’t know what the mayors of the other major U.S. cities were doing this week, but San Francisco’s was presiding over the creation of the world’s largest Caesar salad.

This is why I became a news columnist:

To follow the very, very important work being done by California’s top government officials.

*

I have noticed that it has been an unusually slow news period for California ever since I took this job. No riots, no killer floods, no massive quakes, no NFL-related murders.

Apparently, I am not the only one affected by how boring things have been.

For the last few weeks, for example, I have been noticing that Los Angeles Mayor Richard Riordan seems to have an awful lot of free time on his hands.

One day, I spotted the mayor performing a role in a stage play along with Jennifer Tilly, the actress.

What a body! What a voice!

And Tilly wasn’t bad, either.

Anyhow, the mayor played some sort of eccentric millionaire, which made it typecasting. I think his character’s name was Thurston Riordan III, or something like that. Most of the critics agreed that Riordan wasn’t much of an actor, which naturally means that he will soon be getting his own television show on the WB.

A week or two later, I looked up and found out that Riordan was spending part of his busy mayoral day as a “Baywatch”-type lifeguard.

I think he was promoting swimming safety, as opposed to all those wacky mayors out there in America who oppose swimming safety.

Don’t ever say our mayor refuses to go out on a limb. Next week, he’ll probably come out in favor of something equally controversial, like childproof aspirin caps.

And then there was a day Riordan spent as guest editor of the Daily News of Los Angeles newspaper. I believe his first suggestion--running a Mayors Dressed as Lifeguards swimsuit issue--was rejected.

The truth is, I am glad that Wilson, Brown and Riordan have nothing more pressing on their calendars.

It means all is quiet. It means that California is finally having a nice, peaceful summer, without being the top story for Brokaw or Rather or Jennings every night.

(Unless they led with that scary Caesar salad crisis.)

I keep waiting for something big to happen.

Any day now, I keep telling myself, Malibu will be covered with more mud than a Tropicana wrestler, or a 6.0 quake will send some of our most esteemed TV newscasters ducking under their desks. We haven’t even had a good freeway chase in weeks. I bet Channel 9 is so bored, it sent a helicopter to follow a speeding car that was doing 56.

One of the reasons I wanted to be a news columnist in Southern California was because it was NEVER boring here. This was one nutty state.

Now, I’m down to writing about Pete Wilson and Willie Brown acting on behalf of romaine lettuce and croutons.

*

Well, what else is there to do? I could write about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky every day, which is what I would do if I were a New York Times columnist, or I could just make up a bunch of stuff , which is what I would do if I were a Boston Globe columnist.

I guess I’ll just keep waiting for a good, juicy story to break.

The governor’s office will probably call in a day or two, just to announce that California has become so boring, it is in danger of becoming Arizona.

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053, or phone (213) 237-7366.