DUZ NEAL RYDE DABUS? DONTAZK!

Each word is taken from the vanity plate master list issued by the DMV

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“UCANT ASQ NLDIMND TTO GETON ABUS.”--AUTHNTK QUOTE, SED BYCHP KOPP NMALIBU

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RRRING! 5AM. INOWHAT DAT MEANES. DGUYSE AT HQ HAVA TUFFJOB 4MEE. ANUDR1. THEY WANTME 2ASK SUM BGCHEEZ 2DO SUMTHIN OUTOF KARACTR. DATZ ZEE ONLEE REASON THOSGYS EVER KALLME.

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YMELAWD? AWWSHUX. INOY. IMGOOOD.

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ALLA THE XPRTS DYD TELLME, “YOUUU CANNOT ASK GOLDA MAIR 2WORK BHINDA COUNTER ATD GYROKNG.” OHYYEAH?

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IASKED STRSAND TO PUMPGAS, MARSELL MARCEAU TU SPEEKUP, NIXON 2GO ROLLN ROUND NZMUD. IMNTSHY. IMZ1 WHO ASKED THESHAH TOODRY WHYL IWASH.

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BUT THEN IHEARD WAT MYBOSS WANTD UND MYY BLUD TURNS2 RAZBARI SORBETO.

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ASKASK NEILL DIMOND 2RIDE DA MTA BBUS?

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IPREFER ASKIN BILG8S 2NURSE2 NFANTE CHEETAZ FROM HISOWN CHEST, ORROSIE ODONELL 2TEEECH UNO GRADU8 SEMINAR ONN URIPDZ ATT YALE, ORR MADLIN ALBRYTE 2SING LYK BOBDYLN.

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“HEYBOSS,” ISED. “STPJKN.” ANDI WENTE BAK 2SLEEP INASEC.

Does Neil Ride the Bus? Don’t Ask

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“You can’t ask Neil Diamond to get on a bus.” Authentic quote, said by CHP cop in Malibu

Rrring! Five a.m. I know what that means. The guys at headquarters have a tough job for me. Another one. They want me to ask some Big Cheese to do something out of character. That’s the only reason those guys ever call me.

Why me, Lord? Aw shucks. I know why. I’m good.

All of the experts did tell me, “You cannot ask Golda Meir to work behind a counter at the Gyro King.” Oh yeah?

I asked Streisand to pump gas, Marcel Marceau to speak up, Nixon to go rolling around in the mud. I’m not shy. I’m the one who asked the Shah to dry while I wash.

But then I heard what my boss wanted and my blood turns to raspberry sorbetto.

Ask Neil Diamond to ride the MTA bus?

I prefer asking Bill Gates to nurse two infant cheetahs from his own chest, or Rosie O’Donnell to teach a graduate seminar on Euripides at Yale, or Madeleine Albright to sing like Bob Dylan.

“Hey, boss,” I said. “Stop joking.” And I went back to sleep in a second.