Don’t Be Clueless
Brian Boddy is the victim of corporate foul play.
After five years of doing a good job with Datacomm Digital Digitech, he’s been done in by a corporate killer in the workplace jungle.
The task: Just as you would in Clue, Parker Bros.’ classic mystery board game, figure out who did it, where and why. Here are the suspects:
Martin Mustard
Characteristics:
The self-centered corporate shark. Will stop at nothing to get ahead. Often a silent killer who is your friend and mentor one minute, then dumps you when you are no longer of use. Organizes raft trips and outings to Lakers games, but only for superiors he wants to impress. Two-faced liar who tells you that you’re great, then bad-mouths you behind your back. Would make a great Hollywood agent.
Quotes:
“I think your idea could have worked in the business 10 years ago.”
“Were you on vacation or in rehab again?”
“Too bad you didn’t get the promotion. Is that the third or fourth time you’ve been passed over?”
Weapon of choice: The knife, used to stab you in the back.
Room: Corporate boardroom.
Sarah Scarlett
Characteristics:
The consummate corporate climber. Framed MBA from Harvard on office wall. Stated goals are to remove everyone not pulling their weight within six weeks and to get the numbers up by at least 20% next year. Brusque and direct. Loves slash-and-burn tactics.
Quotes:
“Please see me immediately in my office.”
“You’re not a team player.”
“Please see me immediately in my office.”
“Maybe you should be working somewhere else.”
“Please see me immediately in my office. You can bring your lawyer.”
Weapon of choice: The lead pipe; you feel like you’ve been hit with it after dealing with her.
Room: Her office, to which you are constantly being summoned.
Jack Plum
Characteristics:
The know-it-all. Still mentions his SAT scores at least once a week and how much higher they were than the next-highest in his high school. More PhDs than most people have bachelor’s degrees. A showoff, but smart and adept at figuring out internal politics.
Quotes:
“You really don’t understand this problem, do you?”
“Here, let me handle it. I can do it in half the time it will take you.”
“You really shouldn’t apply for that promotion.”
“I hear I’m rumored for a Nobel Prize.”
Weapon of choice: The candlestick; Jack, being nimble and quick, can jump over most anything in his way.
Room: The clean room used for R&D.;
Prudence White
Characteristics:
The paranoid gossip. Spends 75% of the day e-mailing co-workers or on the phone to find out the latest gossip. Constantly seeking compliments and reassurance from higher-ups. A whiner.
Quotes:
“I heard half of us are getting laid off.”
“No one ever tells me anything.”
“I’ve never been this overworked in my life.”
“You didn’t know he’s been seeing her on the side? They’ve been at it at least a month.”
Weapon of choice: The wrench, used to yank from you any information you may have come across.
Room: The cafeteria.
Rachel Peacock
Characteristics:
The upward manager. Constantly in office meetings. On every task force that management organizes. Helped draft latest mission statement. Talks a good game, but nobody knows exactly what she does or what she has accomplished. Spends large amounts of time kissing up to bosses. Loves to delegate, then take credit. Likely to schmooze her way to another job when she tires of this one.
Quotes:
Always refers to the boss’ wife by her first name and constantly talks about their kids in a familiar way. (“I’m glad Molly liked the flowers, and I hope Amanda and Noah enjoyed the toys I brought over to the house.”)
“He’s a great boss. That joke he told was the funniest I’ve ever heard.”
“This department has never been run better. He’ll be CEO one of these days.”
Weapon of choice: The rope, which she gives you to hang yourself.
Room: The corner office now occupied by the boss--the one she plans to take over when the boss moves up.
Bud Green
Characteristics:
The lazy drone. Couldn’t master office politics if his career depended on it, which it does. Works harder avoiding work than doing it. Spends a lot of company time on the Internet, usually in chat rooms. Lives from vacation to vacation. Spent an entire day asking everyone if they had seen “Lethal Weapon 4.”
Quotes:
“It’s $5 for each entry in the World Series pool.”
“Where are we going for lunch today?”
“You mean she’s been our boss for the last two months?”
“So, like, what happens to me when these new guys buy us out?”
Weapon of choice: The gun, for shooting himself in the foot.
Room: Outplacement clinic set up by human resources.
The Solution:
The mystery of Brian Boddy’s career demise has a clear-cut solution: It was career suicide. Because Boddy failed to keep his antenna up, the political sharks in his office ate him for lunch and spit him out.
Maybe on his next job he’ll wise up and have his repellent out. Or maybe he’ll really wise up and become a shark himself.
