Punch Lines

The Big Hit: The bloody and gory “Saving Private Ryan” once again dominated the weekend box office. “But it’s actually becoming better known by another title: ‘Men in Red.’ ” (Andrew Wisot)

Dressed to Spill: The LAPD has been named the best-dressed police force in the nation by Law and Order magazine. “What really put the uniforms over the top was the optional matching bibs for the jelly doughnuts.” (Gary Easley)

The Dog Spot: “You know who I feel sorry for in all of this? Buddy the dog. For months he’s been the one at the White House blamed for all the stains.” (Jay Leno)

To Tell the Truth: President Clinton is planning his grand jury strategy. “He’ll admit he had sex with Monica Lewinsky but claim he did not commit adultery, arguing that he and Hillary have been secretly divorced for nearly a decade.” (Paul Steinberg)

El Grande: “How come we don’t have a name for the heat? We have El Nino and La Nina. We should have a catchy name like El Sweato or El Heato.” (Leno)

Viagra Villains: According to a British television report, fake copies of the impotence drug Viagra are being sold on the Internet. “Investigators suspected the pills were fakes when requests for the drug over the Internet took more than an hour to upload.” (Joshua Sostrin)

Weird Science: A research team in Louisville, Ky., hopes to perform the world’s first hand transplant. “This according to their able assistant Igor.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

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David Letterman:

Top 10 Rejected Ways to Die in the New “Halloween” Movie

10. Old age.

9. Really, really, really big paper cut.

8. Pop rocks and soda.

7. Head explodes while trying to figure out why a movie called “Halloween” is coming out the first week of August.

6. Beaten to death with chair by a hillbilly on “Jerry Springer.”

5. Assassinated by John Wilkes Booth.

4. Crunched between fantastically strong thighs of Ms. Suzanne Somers.

3. Running with scissors.

2. Heart attack after being surprised by wife Hillary in Oval Office.

1. Laughing to death at a joke on “The Late Show.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.